"I hold my cards up close to my chest, I say what I have to and then hold back the rest."
Take this quote for what it's worth about my ability to verbalize my feelings and thoughts on my current romantic situation.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Monday, January 14, 2008
"My girl America's dying while she's trying just to stop this fight"
There are few things more depressing than Kensington when it rains. Trash flows into the gutters causing back ups and puddles of dirty water. The dilapdated houses sag with damp roofs, and the EL casts darker shadows from the gray sky as it thunders above. The homeless addicts huddle against St. Francis Inn waiting for the Priests to open the gates. Even the brightness of the pink building which houses my school seems dull against the rain and clouds.
Today the somber mood filtered from the outside into the building. Three boys were killed this weekend in a deadly hit and run http://www.philly.com/philly/hp/news_update/13761252.html. One of them, a former student at MBA, all of them friends or family of students that I teach. The common misconception about where I teach is that violence is so prevalent in the community that students have been desensitized to tragedy. The thing is, they're not. Yes, shootings happen, they fight, they cause each other pain, but they are still kids. They still cry when death happens so close to them, and it's hard to see. There is nothing wise a teacher can say to students that are greiving a tragic loss. There are only trite expressions of sympathy, and futile attempts to express that you know how it feels to lose someone to drunk driving. There is only the quiet resignation of letting a student cry and patting a shoulder or offering a hug.
Kensington in the rain leaves me empty, cold, and exhausted.
Today the somber mood filtered from the outside into the building. Three boys were killed this weekend in a deadly hit and run http://www.philly.com/philly/hp/news_update/13761252.html. One of them, a former student at MBA, all of them friends or family of students that I teach. The common misconception about where I teach is that violence is so prevalent in the community that students have been desensitized to tragedy. The thing is, they're not. Yes, shootings happen, they fight, they cause each other pain, but they are still kids. They still cry when death happens so close to them, and it's hard to see. There is nothing wise a teacher can say to students that are greiving a tragic loss. There are only trite expressions of sympathy, and futile attempts to express that you know how it feels to lose someone to drunk driving. There is only the quiet resignation of letting a student cry and patting a shoulder or offering a hug.
Kensington in the rain leaves me empty, cold, and exhausted.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Something about auld lang syne...
I was thinking about that whole 15 thing. I am not as creative as Jess or Amy, and I'm not as emo as some of those who have done this. Still it's a nice way to wrap up the year, so I'm kind of stealing a few silly new year's surveys and doing maybe 15, maybe 10, maybe 5 anonymous people (though there will be some telling details because how can you not).
Top Three Movies of 2007
1. Hot Fuzz
2. The Simpsons
3. Superbad
1. "Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over."-Octavia Butler. I decided that you're first. There's something so comforting about being able to talk to someone nonstop, or just sit in silence for a little bit and work or watch TV. I absolutely adore you, and hope you know that. Those moments of judgement I bestow upon you are purely because I worry about you. I want nothing but the best for you, so i try unsuccessfully to protect you from situations that would hurt you. For my judgemental ways, I sincerely apologize. You hold my universe together, by the way.
Top Three Albums of 2007 (that I have discovered, not necessarily that came out in 2007)
1. Some Mad Hope- Matt Nathanson
2. Eyes Open- Snow Patrol
3. Traffic and Weather- Fountains of Wayne
2. "i'm calling from the diner/the diner on the corner/i ordered two coffees/one is for you/i was hoping you'd join me/.../and i really miss you/i should mention that too"--Ani DiFranco. I miss you. I don't know when you decided to run away, but I wish you would come back. I remember you in little moments, and sometimes wish I didn't. I know you've changed. You aren't the same person that sat on my front porch smoking and planning the great baseball road trip. You aren't the same person that played quizzo with me every week. You aren't the same person that would sit at the diner with me and drink coffee until all hours of the evening. You aren't the same person that held me while I sobbed over whatever it was I sobbed over back then. You were one of my best friends, and while I loved you once, I really would just like my friend back.
Top Four Best "Events" of 2007
1. Poconos weekend-- "nerds gone wild"
2. Liquid Nails Does Atlantic City
3. Meeting Matt Nathanson at WXPN's world cafe live
4. Cleveland Rocks Weekends
3. "No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each other's worth." -Robert Southey. Why did you move so far away? Though we hear from you every now and again on epic email chains, I miss you. I'm glad that you've found this new life for yourself, but at the same time I don't get to sit around and have lunch with you while we discuss life. You were always someone who I could say anything to, and who would discuss even the most trival of subjects. Just so you know, you hold my universe together, even when you're far away.
4. "I gotta thing for assholes who tell good stories."-- Ani DiFranco. Hey you. Yeah you. A logical person would hate you. You're an attention whore. You can be incredibly condescending. You give me countless backhanded compliments. You've broken my heart over and over again. You moved out and made me lose probably the best apartment I've ever had. Yet I miss that you're no longer in Philly. I miss being able to spend hours listening to music and singing along while you play the guitar. I spend the train ticket money to visit you. I value your opinion and conversation. What I can say? You're just a person that I am forever tied to. I just gotta deal with the rest of you :)
Most Embarrassing Moment of 2007
Tripping over my "old lady cart" full of groceries and falling on my face outside of the police station. I cut up my chin and my hand, got asked if I was drunk, and later that week got asked if i was in an abusive relationship. Go Team.
5. "There is no point in driving yourself mad trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and save your sanity for later."-Douglas Adams. I love that you bring out the crazy goofy side of me. We compliment each other's crazy, and that makes me happy. Thank you for embracing and encouraging the goofiness. I know it took a few years to really be able to reconnect after I graduated, but I'm glad we finally have been able to hang out the past few months. You are one of my favorite people.
6. "Get your sexy on..." I'm sorry that living together kind of ruined our friendship. We used to have so much fun dancing around to shitty pop music, watching bad tv, and playing cards. I'll never really understand what happened to our friendship, but I can't listen to this song without thinking of you.
"I'm a big girl now" moment of 2007
Moving into my own apartment in South Philly. No roommates, just a cat.
7. "It is wiser not to expect, but to hope, for in expecting, you ask for disappointment, whereas in hoping, you invite surprise.”- source unknown. You make me smile... I like that. I hope you stick around.
8. "I've got magazine friends, and enough jealousy to lose them all."- Matt Nathanson. I never told you, but you were one of the reasons I changed career paths. One day it occured to me that at my best, I could never compete with you. You weren't the only reason, but at the time you were the big reason. I hated you for being better than me. My envy and my pride are the reasons we didn't get along that year. I'm sorry. I'm glad you are a bigger person than me and you forgave me for being a petulant little bitch. I'm glad that we have grown as friends. I'm glad that despite everything we've been through in our friendship that we can laugh at ourselves, and share breakfast, ideas, and good conversation. To quote you during an epic fight: "I would kill for you."
9. "Anyone who isn’t confused really doesn’t understand the situation."-Edward R. Murrow. I don't hate you. I don't particularly like you either. To me, you are a slew of emotions that stretches back longer than I care to admit. You are the person I spend time with to keep the peace, to keep the equilibrium, to not go against the status quo. As I get older, I'm no longer sure that's a good enough reason to keep hanging around you, yet I'm not mature enough to try and cut you out. So we are at an impass, like we've always been.
10. "Friendship is born at the moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought no one but myself'." -C.S. Lewis. I will never know how exactly we became friends, but I think that this quote is probably pretty accurate. From the moment I've known you, you've been my favorite sounding board for pretty much everything. My friend in cynacism, and the desire for greatness. You and I are the two that can spend hours bitching about the things we can't change in our lives, and hours changing the things we can. We bond over our lack of ability to get anywhere outside of the Philadelphia city limits, and the stories that occur when we try to. We are the ones that want to rule the world, and when that fails, we'll settle for ruling our little corners of it. We are the budding alcoholics, and yet our own version of the 12 step program. You hold my universe together, don't forget that.
I could go on and write ones for everyone I've ever loved, lost, or felt anything towards. There are many that are probably mad i didn't go on for the whole fifteen, but let's face it the lesson plans aren't going to write themselves. I leave you this quote, because i feel it's always summed up my friends.
“Here's to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes, the ones who see things differently. They are not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things, they push the human race forward, and while someone may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do”- source unknown.
Top Three Movies of 2007
1. Hot Fuzz
2. The Simpsons
3. Superbad
1. "Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over."-Octavia Butler. I decided that you're first. There's something so comforting about being able to talk to someone nonstop, or just sit in silence for a little bit and work or watch TV. I absolutely adore you, and hope you know that. Those moments of judgement I bestow upon you are purely because I worry about you. I want nothing but the best for you, so i try unsuccessfully to protect you from situations that would hurt you. For my judgemental ways, I sincerely apologize. You hold my universe together, by the way.
Top Three Albums of 2007 (that I have discovered, not necessarily that came out in 2007)
1. Some Mad Hope- Matt Nathanson
2. Eyes Open- Snow Patrol
3. Traffic and Weather- Fountains of Wayne
2. "i'm calling from the diner/the diner on the corner/i ordered two coffees/one is for you/i was hoping you'd join me/.../and i really miss you/i should mention that too"--Ani DiFranco. I miss you. I don't know when you decided to run away, but I wish you would come back. I remember you in little moments, and sometimes wish I didn't. I know you've changed. You aren't the same person that sat on my front porch smoking and planning the great baseball road trip. You aren't the same person that played quizzo with me every week. You aren't the same person that would sit at the diner with me and drink coffee until all hours of the evening. You aren't the same person that held me while I sobbed over whatever it was I sobbed over back then. You were one of my best friends, and while I loved you once, I really would just like my friend back.
Top Four Best "Events" of 2007
1. Poconos weekend-- "nerds gone wild"
2. Liquid Nails Does Atlantic City
3. Meeting Matt Nathanson at WXPN's world cafe live
4. Cleveland Rocks Weekends
3. "No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each other's worth." -Robert Southey. Why did you move so far away? Though we hear from you every now and again on epic email chains, I miss you. I'm glad that you've found this new life for yourself, but at the same time I don't get to sit around and have lunch with you while we discuss life. You were always someone who I could say anything to, and who would discuss even the most trival of subjects. Just so you know, you hold my universe together, even when you're far away.
4. "I gotta thing for assholes who tell good stories."-- Ani DiFranco. Hey you. Yeah you. A logical person would hate you. You're an attention whore. You can be incredibly condescending. You give me countless backhanded compliments. You've broken my heart over and over again. You moved out and made me lose probably the best apartment I've ever had. Yet I miss that you're no longer in Philly. I miss being able to spend hours listening to music and singing along while you play the guitar. I spend the train ticket money to visit you. I value your opinion and conversation. What I can say? You're just a person that I am forever tied to. I just gotta deal with the rest of you :)
Most Embarrassing Moment of 2007
Tripping over my "old lady cart" full of groceries and falling on my face outside of the police station. I cut up my chin and my hand, got asked if I was drunk, and later that week got asked if i was in an abusive relationship. Go Team.
5. "There is no point in driving yourself mad trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and save your sanity for later."-Douglas Adams. I love that you bring out the crazy goofy side of me. We compliment each other's crazy, and that makes me happy. Thank you for embracing and encouraging the goofiness. I know it took a few years to really be able to reconnect after I graduated, but I'm glad we finally have been able to hang out the past few months. You are one of my favorite people.
6. "Get your sexy on..." I'm sorry that living together kind of ruined our friendship. We used to have so much fun dancing around to shitty pop music, watching bad tv, and playing cards. I'll never really understand what happened to our friendship, but I can't listen to this song without thinking of you.
"I'm a big girl now" moment of 2007
Moving into my own apartment in South Philly. No roommates, just a cat.
7. "It is wiser not to expect, but to hope, for in expecting, you ask for disappointment, whereas in hoping, you invite surprise.”- source unknown. You make me smile... I like that. I hope you stick around.
8. "I've got magazine friends, and enough jealousy to lose them all."- Matt Nathanson. I never told you, but you were one of the reasons I changed career paths. One day it occured to me that at my best, I could never compete with you. You weren't the only reason, but at the time you were the big reason. I hated you for being better than me. My envy and my pride are the reasons we didn't get along that year. I'm sorry. I'm glad you are a bigger person than me and you forgave me for being a petulant little bitch. I'm glad that we have grown as friends. I'm glad that despite everything we've been through in our friendship that we can laugh at ourselves, and share breakfast, ideas, and good conversation. To quote you during an epic fight: "I would kill for you."
9. "Anyone who isn’t confused really doesn’t understand the situation."-Edward R. Murrow. I don't hate you. I don't particularly like you either. To me, you are a slew of emotions that stretches back longer than I care to admit. You are the person I spend time with to keep the peace, to keep the equilibrium, to not go against the status quo. As I get older, I'm no longer sure that's a good enough reason to keep hanging around you, yet I'm not mature enough to try and cut you out. So we are at an impass, like we've always been.
10. "Friendship is born at the moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought no one but myself'." -C.S. Lewis. I will never know how exactly we became friends, but I think that this quote is probably pretty accurate. From the moment I've known you, you've been my favorite sounding board for pretty much everything. My friend in cynacism, and the desire for greatness. You and I are the two that can spend hours bitching about the things we can't change in our lives, and hours changing the things we can. We bond over our lack of ability to get anywhere outside of the Philadelphia city limits, and the stories that occur when we try to. We are the ones that want to rule the world, and when that fails, we'll settle for ruling our little corners of it. We are the budding alcoholics, and yet our own version of the 12 step program. You hold my universe together, don't forget that.
I could go on and write ones for everyone I've ever loved, lost, or felt anything towards. There are many that are probably mad i didn't go on for the whole fifteen, but let's face it the lesson plans aren't going to write themselves. I leave you this quote, because i feel it's always summed up my friends.
“Here's to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes, the ones who see things differently. They are not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things, they push the human race forward, and while someone may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do”- source unknown.
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