Held together by clothes pins...

Oh alcohol, would you please forgive me?

2009-02-15T19:26:00.004-05:00

Lately, I've been thinking about bars. My opinion gets asked every now and again as to where people should go in the city for booze, and as I was pondering a location for a friend's birthday gathering (they asked my advice), I couldn't help but think about the types of bars I love and the types that, well, normal people love. Here are my critera for great bars.

1. Cheap alcohol- I am poor. If I am going to drink outside of my home, it will have to be something that I can afford. In some cases this standard is met in the form of a great happy hour (example: The Abbaey or Devil's Den), and in others this is met in the form of just cheap draft beer.

2. Unpretentious- Few things bother me more than feeling like i'm not the right "type" of person to go to a bar. I like being able to wear jeans and sneakers into a bar and not feeling like I should be wearing a skin tight top or have gauges in my ears.

3. Room to breathe- It's not that i'm clostrophobic, but when a bar is wall to wall people, I feel as though the whole night is an exercise in futility. I certainly don't want to go to an empty bar, but i like being able to talk to my friends without screaming, put my jacket somewhere (that doesn't ask me to pay or tip to do so), and be able to get to the bar for a drink.

Those are the big three. The rest are just silly things that I like about some of the bars i frequent.
-- Good jukebox
-- Personable bartenders
-- Good beers

So here are my top ten bars in Philly that fulfill these criterion (in no particular order)-
1. 12 Steps Down (9th and Christian)
2. The Capistrano (13th and Wharton)
3. Brownies (the irish pub on second street, not the crazy dance club in university city)
4. The Side Car (21 (22nd?) and Christian)
5. The Abbaey, The Devil's Den, Los Cabillitos happy hours only (3rd and Fairmount, 11th and Ellsworth, Morris and Passyunk respectively)
6. Las Vegas Lounge (7th and Chestnut)
7. Bob and Barbaras (15th and South)
8. Doobies (22nd and Lombard)
9. National Mechanics (3rd between market and chestnut)
10. Ray's Happy Birthday Bar (9th and Federal)

:)

Been a while.

2009-01-08T22:04:00.003-05:00

Yes, I should post more often. For now though, my new favorite song, and like so many others, one that reminds me of my own scattered life on some warped level.

Be Ok
By Ingrid Michaelson

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today

CHORUS:
Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok

Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok

"And in the end it's not just you, with your memories and your scars..."

2008-10-05T03:11:00.002-04:00

My first real outing in Philadelphia was to the TLA. We were two or three weeks into my first semester at La Salle, and four of us way too white suburbanites traveled down to the TLA to see Dynamite Hack (remember them?) and Goldfinger. The subway ride was tense, the walk down south street disconcerting, and TLA was smokey and thumping from the base guitar of the opening acts.

So it seems fitting that tonight, up in the balcony of the TLA, with Lish (since she was there on that first tense outing), that Matt Nathanson played the soundtrack to my college career.

Call his music whiny. Even he tonight called it "sissy music." Say that I'm too old to go out and listen to his music with all of the drunk college kids. But, in the end, his music is attached to so many people and moments of my life that I don't think I could ever not go see him when given the opportunity.

"I stuffed myself sick on your memory, on the beautiful mess that we'd made."
Tonight he played "First time", a song forever associated with the summer of 2003. The summer of baltimore and the attic bedroom. The summer I'd left La Salle without saying goodbye to graham, and spent most of the summer livid at him. This song was what I played that summer when I looked back on all of the failed attempts at romance I had dealt with up until that point.

"Because I've gone long enough waiting for wonderful."
He played "sing me sweet." A song that when I hear it, I will always remember a chilly november morning when septa was on strike. Laying on a futon in the middle of a spruce street apartment, wondering what the next few weeks would bring. The months that followed, this song just reminded me of him, and even now when I know that everything happens for a reason, I can't help but think of him as Matt Nathanson declares that he's "gone long enough waiting for wonderful."

"Oh Princess, you're ready for greatness, all edited and weightless, never more alive."
Although in concerts MN declares that this song is about a girl that he thought was terrible. This song, even now, is me. It is how I would describe myself. I keep my hands in my pockets and my eyes innocent... with all of my thoughts close to my chest. I am always "bold for the boys who keep [me] guessing." I could always use a win...

"And in the end it's not just you with your memories and your scars, fall on me if you ever forget how beautiful you are..."
This song is harder to explain. It's college graduation. It's Dave moving to Chicago. It's a perfect love song to someone who will never understand. It's a time it's a place.

On this night, after a great concert (GREAT CONCERT), after looking at wedding pictures on facebook of a group of people I was never really connected to, and yet played such a huge role in my life, I tired and thoughtful. Thinking of all the places I have been in my life, and all of the places I have still yet to go....

(I am aware of how disjointed this post is... my apologies.)

The amazing crossroads of democracy and infomercials.

2008-08-25T23:17:00.002-04:00

When I was six years old, Michael Dukakis and George H.W. Bush were in the midst of their presidential campaigns. A week before the election, Fields Road Elementary School held a mock election. Purely an exercise in finding out how our parents were going to vote. Proudly I stepped up to the table and took a slip of paper in my hands. For weeks and months I had listened to my grandmother and mother talk about the evils of Bush and the republican party, and based on their influence, I checked the box next to Dukakis's name. In the end, Bush won the mock election at my elementary school and went on to win the general election.

Flashforward four years, at the age of ten I was still blissfully unaware of how the political machine really worked. I loved simplicity and words. One night when I was laying on the living room couch with my grandmother watching the evening news, I made the statement, "democrat sounds ugly. I would rather be a republican, it sounds pretty." My staunchly democratic grandmother, who frequently told stories of the glory of FDR, the tragedy of MLK's assassination, and how she vomitted when Bobby Kennedy was shot, did not proceed to lecture me on the evils of the republican party, but instead made fun of me for my strange way of choosing a political party.

As I grew up, I began to learn more about the world around me. I came to the conclusion that while republican is still a nicer sounding word, the democratic party, for all of its faults, was much truer to who i was becoming as a person. As I've grown up working and the living in the hearts of two democratic cities, my liberalism, although more moderate than some of my dearest friends, is now inescapable.

Tonight I watched the first night of the Democratic National Convention. I watched it on PBS because CNN and MSNBC anchors irritate me. I found myself engrossed in the speeches, captivated by the rhetoric, and completely obsessed with everything democratic. It truly is the nation's biggest infomerical and I couldn't turn it off. I cheered for Ted Kennedy, and chanted with Nancy Pelosi. I teared up at Michelle Obama.

Trite as the speeches may be, tonight I fell for it all. The great thing about an election year is that it's okay to get caught up every now and again, hoping that this time your man will win and things might get a little better. Even when you know it's just that place where democracy meets infomercial.

Cat Calls from Cars

2008-08-12T01:30:00.003-04:00

I had this whole post written about why women blame other women for men's mistakes, but blogger crashed as i was posting it, and saved it at the very beginning. I have no interest in re-writing it. Instead I will write about my walk home.

I will never undersatnd why men yell at women through car windows, but it's incredibly popular to do in philadelphia. Screaming "nice tits" at a woman and driving by does not make a woman want to sleep with you. I know that's a shock, but seriously guys there are better ways to get a woman to like you. While misguided, usually the shouts are complimentary. They might be degrading or slightly offensive, but the intent seems to be to compliment a part of your body that these men find attractive.

Tonight I walked home from Doobies at about 1 a.m. Not exactly the smartest thing I could have done, but it was broad st. and well lit, so i decided that it would be okay. (I didn't have cash for cab fare, and there were no busses passing by.) As I was walking a silver volkswagon station wagon passed by me, and a male voice screamed out the window "fat-ass whore". Since I don't know anyone who drives a silver volkswagon station wagon, it had to be a stranger. This insult surprised and offended me, not because of the insult itself, but how personal the insult was. It also gave me great information on exactly what type of person decided to yell it.

"Fat ass": That's easy enough. Clearly, someone who observes well. It doesn't take much to see that I have a rather well defined bedonkadonk. I was built with childbearing hips and a love of chocolate, it is only natural that my tuchas is wide. Nothing I wear hides it. It's just there. In addition to having stunning observational skills, i will surmise that this man is caucasian. Now, I don't mean to racially profile, because most men i have dated have been white and fans of my larger bedonkadonk, but sterotypically white men like their women with large boobs and no ass. Everytime a man of african-american or latino decent has referred to my "fat ass" it has been with admiration or at least an appreciation of my curves. So to start with, we have a white man with good observational skills.

"Whore": This stung quite a bit more. I was walking alone, yes, but i was wearing an ankle-length skirt and a tee-shirt. If anything, I looked like an orthodox jew. Nothing I was wearing radiated whore. And further more, I don't think even if someone knows me that I radiate the term whore. I mean I am a woman with healthy view of sexuality, so maybe "slut-muffin", but not whore. Give me slightly more credit than that. So the only thing I can then infer about this mystery man, is that he was drunk after being recently dumped by his cheating girlfriend. The drunk would lower the inhibitions enough to shout at random women on the street, while the recently dumped due to infiedelity would explain the "whore" and anger.

So instead of being upset and offended by this white, observational, recently dumped drunk man I actually feel sorry for him. He clearly doesn't know how to deal with his feelings, and if he continues this path of heavy drinking and insulting women... he will never get laid again.

Damn shame.... I think.

"It must be summer cause the days are long, and I dial your number but you're gone gone gone."

2008-07-31T17:45:00.004-04:00

Jess chastised me for not writing in my blog, and it has been a while, so i might as well write.

"The way that summer fades underneath the weight of it all..."

This summer has been a great so far. Between adventures in Colorado, baseball games, beach trips (not nearly enough though), bar outings, walks through the city, weddings, concerts, and birthdays I don't know where the time has gone. It's been a great few weeks, and with a little under a month left I can only imagine that I will be busy living up my last few weeks of freedom.

It's funny how quickly i fall into a routine for my mornings over the summer. I get up between 9 and 10, I make my coffee, turn on a rerun of a 90s television show, sign on to gmail chat and talk to my mother, graham, and jess. I've done that almost every morning since school has ended. It's very relaxing. It also prevents me from doing anything productive until at least noon.

"Cause I love the way you say 'good morning', and you take me the way I am."

Before I continue with this section: Check out Ingrid Michaelson's CD Boy and Girl, it's fantastic!

So it's been eight months, almost nine, and while I am still ducking with the fear of an impending shoe falling on my head... it's good. It's really good. So of course I'm terrified of it and expect it won't last very long. But he seems to care about me, and he seems to take me for all the bucket of crazy i try so hard to conceal but never get it all.

"I'm a big girl now, see my big girl shoes..."

Okay the picks of the summer so far:

TV shows: How I met your Mother (I know I came three seasons late to this party, but it's damn good), and My Boys

Books: The Story of Edgar Sawtelle, Severance Package

Album: Ingrid Michaelson's Boys and Girls

Happiness

2008-05-26T21:46:00.002-04:00

"He was always a stupidly optimistic man. I mean, I'm sure it came as a great shock to him when he died."-- Clue

I spend a great deal of my energy avoiding being an optimist. I don't share details of my life with many people, because i feel it brings about a sense of optimism that I might have. If I share my happy, it might make me believe that only the best can now occur. If I believe that, and something bad happens... I don't know.

Still, after a weekend like I had, with so many joys and so many great things... I cant help but wish I could allow myself to revel in my happiness, and giggle and gossip about all of the things that I am thinking.

It was a good weekend... nay great weekend... and I will quietly smile and pretend that I am not being optimistic.

::Insert sappy title here::

2008-05-14T06:38:00.002-04:00

As a writer, one always looks for symbolism. We see it in movies and the trashy books we read, and of course, if we are lucky or delusional, we can see it our own lives.

My cat symbolized stability in my transient life. While I had her, i lived in four different apartments, had five different roommates, dated (seriously) three different men, went from working 70 hour weeks to having summers and weekends off. My life was in constant flux after I graduated from college, and yet Dilly was always there. She would always curl up in my lap or the crook of my arms while I slept. She would meow a hello. She never judged my crazy rants or my tears over something that probably didn't warrent tears. She was always a faithful friend and traveled with me wherever I went.

Upon her death Monday night (really early tuesday morning), I felt as though my stability had fallen out from under me. I looked in my head to the English training I had received to try and figure out what it means when a symbol ceases to exist.

Sadly my pondering needs to end while I run to the train.

"You can't scare me, I teach."

2008-05-07T06:30:00.003-04:00

I am tired. I am tired. I am tired. I am tired.

We're five weeks out until the end of the year, and if another teenager whines at me I may throw myself off the roof of my school building.

There are those in the world who think teachers have it easy. We are able to take three months off at the end of the year. We get a week off for winter and spring break. Our day *technically* ends at 3:45.

The reason for all of these perks? They won't let us beat children anymore. Just kidding. Seriously though, we deal with kids for six straight hours. Rarely is there ever a point in our day when we aren't dealing with our students. Students use our classroom at lunch to get make up work. We need to make sure that we do uniform corrections as we walk down the halls during prep. In the moments where we don't have students, we are working to ensure we have enough supplies, grades done, or lessons planned. While our day ends when the bell rings, it doesn't really. We have grading to do. We have more lessons to plan. We have students who need extra help or a chance to make up assignments. We take work home. We work several hours into the night in order to help ourselves through to the next day.

So screw those who think teachers have it easy... I am tired. I am tired. I am tired.

June 20th can't come soon enough.

Several thoughts with no where to go...

2008-04-13T20:55:00.002-04:00

I have been mentally writing blogs for the past week as i ride the train to work. Unfortunately, life tends to get in the way of writing, so here are the cliff's notes version of my thoughts...

"Watch your mouth before I have to wash it out... with my cock!"
That quote courtesy of Graham Rowe. He was here last week. He cracks me up. I wish he lived closer.

"I'm rockin' the suburbs, around the block just one more time. Rockin' the suburbs, 'cause I can't tell which house is mine..."
Before you read this... I make sweeping generalizations based on my observations and my experiences. I am aware that not everyone thinks this way, so please don't take any of this personally.
I've been thinking recently about the suburbs. I hate the suburbs. I hate the bubble they create for people, and the plasticity of their mcmansions or fake small town shopping centers. Children who grow up in the burbs and never leave, run the risk of never truly seeing the world around them and never understanding it. The argument levied is that in the suburbs, you have backyards, good schools, and no crime. I disagree. In the mcmansions built, there are frequently no yards as the houses are huge and on top of each other. I'll give you good schools, but that's because the districts tend to be smaller and the property taxes insane. Not to mention the insanity of soccer moms who call the schools every day demanding their children earn A's whether or not they have earned them. As for crime, it happens everywhere. Sure people don't get beaten by children in the subways, but at my old high school, girls got sexually assaulted at keggers and cars were broken into, and prostitution rings ran out of pristine lakelands houses. The city is not perfect. The city is far from perfect. The schools suck, the streets are dirty, and crime happens, but i'm never isolated from it. Maybe that makes me strange. I like living inside the world, not watching it and judging from my bubble. I think i also get mad at the suburbs because of the judgement passed on city life from those that live there. From the outside it is easy to judge, to write off urban decay, and never attempt to do anything about it. From the inside, from working and living in the city, it's harder to do. Those things make me angry and motiviated to pay attention to what happens here, to want it to change. I don't think that I would ever be this motivated to work where I work, to vote how I vote, and desire the change i desire if I had remained in the bubble of G'burg MD.

Okay bedtime for me, but on my next rant I will talk about how fucking terrible standardized testing is...

Quick media comment

2008-03-27T06:37:00.003-04:00

This morning, as always, I got up, made coffee, and turned on the news. As the newscaster listed the top stories of the morning he said, "An attack on SEPTA has left one man dead" and their B roll showed a number of police officers at a familiar center city EL stop apparently looking for clues.

Curious, since I frequent this EL stop I sat to watch the story. They kept referring to it as a "deadly attack". The banner underneath all of the people interviewed said "Deadly SEPTA attack." The reporter kept referring to "the deadly attack occurred"

And then... the SEPTA police officer went on the camera and explained that four teenage boys began harrassing a starbucks employee on his way home at 3 p.m. They "slapped" him in the face four times, and the man died of a heart attack.

Did these boys committ assault? Yes.
Did they steal his Ipod? Yes.
Did they kill him? Well... that's a gray area. But it's center city. The boys were black, the man white... so yes according to the police.

I'm also bothered by the fact that no one on the platform bothered to help the guy.

Ah the news...

I'm late for work.

What is so funny about peace, love and understanding?

2008-03-23T22:32:00.002-04:00

Today my spring break came to a crashing halt. I had a good spring break. I spent it in colorado with my mother. A whole week in the beautiful mountains. Though I must say, it's weird being in my mom's new apartment with all of our family pictures neatly nailed to the walls. It's weird to see my history hanging hundreds of miles from where it all occured.

Now i'm home and i'm back to work tomorrow. I spent the past 11 hours grading. I only took breaks to briefly chat with jess and mom, and then to shower.

Now it's bed time, but i'm not sure i'm sleepy.

I don't feel right, I don't sleep tight, i don't love you like I should...

2008-03-13T06:34:00.002-04:00

Warning: Mom, you're not allowed to ask me about this entry.

The scariest thing in the world to me is the prospect of turning into my father. He and I share several similar characteristics, and i'm not sure i'm okay with that. I look at his life. He's a relatively happy man, but he doesn't have a lot of close friends. He spends his time with casual aquaintences, but has allowed certain people he's known for years to slip away as time goes on. (There's more that I fear, but it is not applicable to the point i am making). I look back at who I am. At those I have let slip away, and notice that I am incredibly capable of closing off and losing those I care about.

I'm prickly when I work hard. Sensitive. Quick to react. Quick to anger. I hold in weeks of frustration and release it to unsuspecting people that are just trying to befriend me. I'm not an easy person to love on all levels. Yet those that are willing to care about me, I hurt.

Interesting revelations for first thing in the morning... now I must go put on a smile and teach the youth of America.

I'm not going to write you a love song...

2008-03-10T20:55:00.003-04:00

I love that my teasing entry about students stock piling weapons sparked some creative debate amongst my dearest friends.

I tend to agree with tom that the media harps upon the violence of city schools a great deal. I worked at University City High School while they were having all of their problems (including the day that the guy was stabbed on the front steps, that was a good day) and saw how the media acted like... well the media. They ignored the press release we sent about our Anti-Violence day, which cancelled classes for the day to focus on anti-violence programming, but showed up two days later to interview students about two fights that broke out in the lunchroom. (Sidenote: I think that cemented my desire to never go into journalism as a career.) Still I think that the issues (which thank g-d are not "day to day" in my school as amy mentioned) such as fighting and mayhem are one of the reasons why you see city school children set trash cans on fire, but not go on shooting rampages in the building. City children get out their aggression towards the one or two people that piss them off, but the children that make lists and freak out are the ones that bottle it all up. I'm only half saying that with a smirk and a laugh. There might be some truth in that. Middle class suburban repression may in fact manifest itself in strange ways.

Still, I will take my war torn nutty hooligans. They make me laugh as much as they make me want to throw them or myself off a building.

This is going to be a long entry that has nothing to do with the title by the way, I just really like that song.

When I was in high school and for a couple semesters in college, I kept a section of my school notebooks that was just called "notes to self" and in that section I jotted down the weird thoughts that came to me as I observed the world around me. Sometimes these observations came out eloquent enough to make their way into short stories that i wrote, but many just lived in the notebook marking certain days and times. Lately I have been walking and thinking and wishing that I kept my notebook still. I know that logically I could go to a store and buy a cheap notebook to carry while I am on the subway or walking from market to my apartment, but somehow the romance of it seems passe and I know that I wouldn't follow through writing down what i think. But when I sit on a train that is rocking and rolling out of the city I can't help but ponder the rusty abandoned factories, or the rushing overflowing creek that spilled next to the tracks and created a new arm along the SEPTA rails.

On an unrelated note: I love the new foo fighters album.

Since it's been so long since I've written a real entry, I feel as though I should espouse as much I can about as many thoughts as I can. Truth be told though, I really can't think of anything else that needs to be discussed. My life is good. Spring break is rapidly approaching. I am behind on grading, but created a board game about my lit circle books so i feel okay about myself.

A quick comment on education

2008-03-07T06:29:00.003-05:00

Jess once said that she sometimes wonders if I teach in war torn Kosovo as opposed to just a low income area in Philadelphia. As I watch the news more and more, I suddenly realize how wrong of a comparison she made.

When my students have beef with each other, yes they fight. Sometimes they fight unfairly, but the beef is typically mutual. They fight over boys, over rumors, over stuff that happened on the block where they live. At my school they rarely bring in heavy artillary, they're more creative. They wear lots of rings instead of brass knuckles.

http://www.philly.com/philly/wires/ap/news/nation_world/16318936.html Never do they stock pile weapons in their homes, make lists, and prepare to come to school to kill several people at once.
http://www.philly.com/dailynews/national/12653486.html
My kids may not listen, they may occasionally make me want to throw myself off the roof of my building, but they are not mass murders. :)

So I feel as though I am not crazy for staying the hell away from the suburban school system. Those middle class suburban kids are freaking scary.

For my adoring public.

2008-02-26T18:38:00.005-05:00

Actually I'm going to do the movie game... because my life is complicated and I'm procrastinating while i eat dinner.

A few things to mention before i begin:
1. Crockpots rule.
2. I am in the midst of literature circle hell.
3. I enjoy my potentially healthy romantical situation.
4. My curriculum coordinator thinks i have the vocabulary of an 19th century british woman.

And on that note--
15 movie quotes
comment answer
no cheating.

1. Oh now, Debra, don't be bitter, surely with your ever growing collection of flesh mutilating silver appendages and your brand new neo-nazi boot camp makeover the boys will come a-runnin'.

2. And monkey brains, although popular in Cantonese cuisine, is not often to be found in Washington D.C Megan-- Clue

3. You can lose all your points for any one of three things. One: If you cry. Two: If you ask to see your mother. Three: If you're hungry and ask for a snack! Forget it!

4. Don't tease me about my hobbies. I don't tease you about being an asshole. Amy- Garden State

5. A. Don't fuck with the Lords of Hell.
B. Don't fuck with the babysitter. -- Mommy-- Adventures in Babysitting

6. A. You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.
B. You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die. Amy- Princess Bride

7. Don't I know you? I stole the baby from you, Daikini! While you were taking a peepee! Amy- Willow

8. Excuse me, ladies. You may remember me as the guy who came to dinner a few weeks ago with underwear on my head. My name is Keith Stat from Millburn, New Jersey. State bird, the mosquito. And as you may have heard I am recently a crowned class B dungeon-master. So if any of you would like to play D&D today, please speak now or forever hold your peace. Amy- Wet Hot American Summer

9. A: I'm a professional killer.
B: Do you have to do postgraduate work for that?

10. I don't know. Sometimes it seems like such a strange sort of thing to want to do. You know, ridiculous. Like someone putting their finger up your nose or something. Amy- Circle of Friends

11. He sells reproductions! His furniture's as fake as my orgasms!

12. A: 37! My girlfriend's sucked 37 dicks!
B: In a row? Amy- Clerks

13. Everything. OK! I'll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog... When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out... But the worst thing I ever done - I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa - and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life. Mommy-- Goonies

14. It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care. Amy- Office Space

15. I work harder than God. If He had hired me, He would have made the world by Thursday.

Hope I get more participation than the song thing!

The results

2008-02-13T22:19:00.002-05:00

37% on the music challenge. Not so good.

Here's the key :)

Everything else-- Howie Day
For no one-- Azure Ray
Solace and Pain- Matt Nathanson
Mayday – Dispatch
Someone Cooler than You-- Ben Folds
Wild Horses – Rolling Stones
Who Did You Think I Was- John Mayer Trio
Circle Round the Sun- James Taylor
Balaclava- Arctic Monkeys
Waiting Line- Zero 7
Bottle up and explode- Elliott smith
Heart of mine- Peter Salett
Brace yourself- Howie Day
pretty fly for a white guy- offspring
my junk – spring's awakening
small figures in the vast expanse- rilo kiley
pantera fans in love- nerf herder
if I had a million dollars- bnl
That’s the way it is- JoDee Messina
birds flying away- mason jennings
solitude standing- suzanne vega
wig in a box- hedwig and the angry inch
sound of settling- deathcab for cutie
Goodbye until tomorrow/I could never rescue you- last 5 years
a certain romance- arctic monkeys
sooner or later-- michael tolcher
number 6 driver- efo
Paper bag- Fiona apple
American girl- tom petty
Our lips are sealed- go-gos
golden slumber- the beatles
basketcase- green day
crush- dmb
Forget December- something corporate
In the middle- Mat Kearney
Jockey full of bourbon- moxy fruv
Ridin’ in my car- NRBQ
Come pick me up- Ryan Adams
I’m waiting- all American rejects
Both hands- Ani Difranco

There are so many things I could be doing right now...

2008-02-09T13:10:00.001-05:00

I could write you all an entry about my life. I could ramble about stress and relationships and sick cats and crazy teenagers. I could write the epic entry about teaching that I've been planning for a while now. But I won't. Instead I'm going to do that fun little music thing that Amy had on her blog.

Step 1: Put your music player on shuffle.
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 40 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing.
Step 3: Strike through the songs when someone guesses both artist and track correctly.
Step 4: For those who are guessing -- looking the lyrics up on a search engine is CHEATING!Step 5: If you like the game post your own

1. "Pictures blurred in her head/Won't let them win/She'll make you come/Right back and let her in..."

2. "We're the same/we're five years old/Still trying to change this mold/In the open air I'm cold/No purpose/no reasons told..."

3. "I'm so confused by what I am and what I want, but I can't stand alone without your help..."

4. "I saw you yesterday your eyes were the color of some kind of gray, I hear what you're sayin' don't let me go I've got all these people down below..."

5. ~~"Smile like you've got nothing to prove, no matter what you might do there's always someone out there cooler than you." (If you all don't get this one, I will disown you.)~~ Thank you amy... Always someone cooler than you-- Ben Folds

6. ~~"Childhood living is easy to do, the things you wanted I bought them for you..."~~ amy Wild Horses- Rolling Stone

7. "Now I love my baby, and she's bound to love me some, yes I love my baby, and she's bound to love me some..."

8. "Got half a smile and zero shame, gotta reflection with a different name..."

9. "Running off over next door's garden before the hour is done, it's more a question of feeling than it is a question of fun"

10. ~~"Wait in line, 'till your time, ticking clock, everyone stop"~~ In The Waiting Line-- Zero 7

11. ~~"Bottle up and explode over and over, keep the troublemaker below, put it away and check out for the day..."~~ Jess- Bottle up and explode- elliott smith

12. "Do you want to know if everything glittering will turn into the gold I see in your hair..."

13. ~~"So you think you can hold the world up by string, with all that you have, and I would hold every part of you that I could hold..."~~ Jess- Brace yourself- Howie Day

14. ~~"Give it to me baby, uh-huh uh-huh, give it to me baby, uh-huh uh-huh..." (Don't judge me for this song)~~ Jess- Pretty Fly for a White Guy- The Offspring

15. ~~"It the midst of this nothing, this midst of a life, still there this one thing just to see you go by..."~~ Jess- My Junk- Spring's Awakening

16. "Let's try a new change, Let's try a new change, Let's try a new change then we'll go back to the old one like we've done so many times before."

17. "I bleached my hair just like Vince Neil, then you made me cut it like James Hetfield, we're gonna put an end to alternative rock..."

18. ~~"If I had a million dollars, If I had a million dollars, well I would buy you a house..."~~ Jess- If I had a million dollars- BNL

19. ~~"Everybody wants an easy ride on the merry-go-round that we call life, take your drive on cruise control then you went to find it's a winding road..."~~ Mary S.-- That's the way-- Jo Dee Messina

20. "I left my country when I was 19, 1925, and drifted to a town on the cuban coast met a woman who became my life..."

21. "Solitude stands by the window, she turns her head as I walk in the room, I can see by her eyes she's been waiting..."

22. ~~"On nights like this, when the world's a bit amiss, and the lights go down across the trailer park..."~~ Angie- Wig in a Box-- Hedwig and the Angry Inch

23. "I've got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots, that my tongue is tied off...

24. ~~"Don't kiss me goodbye again, leave this night clean and quiet, you want the last word you want me to laugh but leave it for now."~~ Jess- Goodbye until tomorrow/I could never rescue you- last 5 years

25. "Well oh they might wear classic Reeboks, or knackered Converse, or tracky bottoms tucked in socks..."

26. "Pull the hair back from your eyes let the people see your pretty face, try not to say anything weird."

27. "The good news out here on the highway is that the speed limit's just a suggestion, but the bad news alone on the highway is that I'm praying for two car congestion..."

28. "I was staring at the sky just looking for a star to pray on or wish on or something like that..."

29. ~~"Well she was an American girl raised on promises, she couldnt help thinkin that there was a little more to life somewhere else..."~~ Amy- American Girl-- Tom Petty

30. "Can you hear them? They talk about us, telling lies, well that's no surprise..."

31. ~~"Once there was a way to get back homeward, once there was a way to get back home..."~~ Jess- Golden Slumber-- the beatles.

32. ~~"Do you have the time to listen to me whine about nothing and everything all at once?"~~ Amy- Basketcase-- Green Day

33. ~~"Crazy how it feels tonight. Crazy how you, make it all alright love..."~~ amy - Crush-- DMB

34. "On Christmas morning, outside was pouring, all was hopeless in this home."

35. "I meant it all and every part and every word right from the start, I'll never let this love fall in the middle..."

36. "Edna Million in a drop dead suit, Dutch Pink on a downtown train, Two-dollar pistol but the gun won't shoot, I'm in the corner on the pouring rain..."

37. "Remember last summer when we had the chance to find each other start making romance, but it didn't come off 'cause you found another..."

38. "When they call your name will you walk right up with a smile on your face?"

39. "One question what can't be done? You tear me down with the same thing..."

40. "I am walking out in the rain and I am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again and I am getting no where with you..."

This took me an hour to do... so you all better participate!

You think that I don't understand but I do...

2008-01-21T19:41:00.001-05:00

"I hold my cards up close to my chest, I say what I have to and then hold back the rest."

Take this quote for what it's worth about my ability to verbalize my feelings and thoughts on my current romantic situation.

"My girl America's dying while she's trying just to stop this fight"

2008-01-14T18:29:00.000-05:00

There are few things more depressing than Kensington when it rains. Trash flows into the gutters causing back ups and puddles of dirty water. The dilapdated houses sag with damp roofs, and the EL casts darker shadows from the gray sky as it thunders above. The homeless addicts huddle against St. Francis Inn waiting for the Priests to open the gates. Even the brightness of the pink building which houses my school seems dull against the rain and clouds.

Today the somber mood filtered from the outside into the building. Three boys were killed this weekend in a deadly hit and run http://www.philly.com/philly/hp/news_update/13761252.html. One of them, a former student at MBA, all of them friends or family of students that I teach. The common misconception about where I teach is that violence is so prevalent in the community that students have been desensitized to tragedy. The thing is, they're not. Yes, shootings happen, they fight, they cause each other pain, but they are still kids. They still cry when death happens so close to them, and it's hard to see. There is nothing wise a teacher can say to students that are greiving a tragic loss. There are only trite expressions of sympathy, and futile attempts to express that you know how it feels to lose someone to drunk driving. There is only the quiet resignation of letting a student cry and patting a shoulder or offering a hug.

Kensington in the rain leaves me empty, cold, and exhausted.

Something about auld lang syne...

2008-01-01T20:20:00.000-05:00

I was thinking about that whole 15 thing. I am not as creative as Jess or Amy, and I'm not as emo as some of those who have done this. Still it's a nice way to wrap up the year, so I'm kind of stealing a few silly new year's surveys and doing maybe 15, maybe 10, maybe 5 anonymous people (though there will be some telling details because how can you not).

Top Three Movies of 2007
1. Hot Fuzz
2. The Simpsons
3. Superbad

1. "Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over."-Octavia Butler. I decided that you're first. There's something so comforting about being able to talk to someone nonstop, or just sit in silence for a little bit and work or watch TV. I absolutely adore you, and hope you know that. Those moments of judgement I bestow upon you are purely because I worry about you. I want nothing but the best for you, so i try unsuccessfully to protect you from situations that would hurt you. For my judgemental ways, I sincerely apologize. You hold my universe together, by the way.

Top Three Albums of 2007 (that I have discovered, not necessarily that came out in 2007)
1. Some Mad Hope- Matt Nathanson
2. Eyes Open- Snow Patrol
3. Traffic and Weather- Fountains of Wayne

2. "i'm calling from the diner/the diner on the corner/i ordered two coffees/one is for you/i was hoping you'd join me/.../and i really miss you/i should mention that too"--Ani DiFranco. I miss you. I don't know when you decided to run away, but I wish you would come back. I remember you in little moments, and sometimes wish I didn't. I know you've changed. You aren't the same person that sat on my front porch smoking and planning the great baseball road trip. You aren't the same person that played quizzo with me every week. You aren't the same person that would sit at the diner with me and drink coffee until all hours of the evening. You aren't the same person that held me while I sobbed over whatever it was I sobbed over back then. You were one of my best friends, and while I loved you once, I really would just like my friend back.

Top Four Best "Events" of 2007
1. Poconos weekend-- "nerds gone wild"
2. Liquid Nails Does Atlantic City
3. Meeting Matt Nathanson at WXPN's world cafe live
4. Cleveland Rocks Weekends

3. "No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each other's worth." -Robert Southey. Why did you move so far away? Though we hear from you every now and again on epic email chains, I miss you. I'm glad that you've found this new life for yourself, but at the same time I don't get to sit around and have lunch with you while we discuss life. You were always someone who I could say anything to, and who would discuss even the most trival of subjects. Just so you know, you hold my universe together, even when you're far away.

4. "I gotta thing for assholes who tell good stories."-- Ani DiFranco. Hey you. Yeah you. A logical person would hate you. You're an attention whore. You can be incredibly condescending. You give me countless backhanded compliments. You've broken my heart over and over again. You moved out and made me lose probably the best apartment I've ever had. Yet I miss that you're no longer in Philly. I miss being able to spend hours listening to music and singing along while you play the guitar. I spend the train ticket money to visit you. I value your opinion and conversation. What I can say? You're just a person that I am forever tied to. I just gotta deal with the rest of you :)

Most Embarrassing Moment of 2007
Tripping over my "old lady cart" full of groceries and falling on my face outside of the police station. I cut up my chin and my hand, got asked if I was drunk, and later that week got asked if i was in an abusive relationship. Go Team.

5. "There is no point in driving yourself mad trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and save your sanity for later."-Douglas Adams. I love that you bring out the crazy goofy side of me. We compliment each other's crazy, and that makes me happy. Thank you for embracing and encouraging the goofiness. I know it took a few years to really be able to reconnect after I graduated, but I'm glad we finally have been able to hang out the past few months. You are one of my favorite people.

6. "Get your sexy on..." I'm sorry that living together kind of ruined our friendship. We used to have so much fun dancing around to shitty pop music, watching bad tv, and playing cards. I'll never really understand what happened to our friendship, but I can't listen to this song without thinking of you.

"I'm a big girl now" moment of 2007
Moving into my own apartment in South Philly. No roommates, just a cat.

7. "It is wiser not to expect, but to hope, for in expecting, you ask for disappointment, whereas in hoping, you invite surprise.”- source unknown. You make me smile... I like that. I hope you stick around.

8. "I've got magazine friends, and enough jealousy to lose them all."- Matt Nathanson. I never told you, but you were one of the reasons I changed career paths. One day it occured to me that at my best, I could never compete with you. You weren't the only reason, but at the time you were the big reason. I hated you for being better than me. My envy and my pride are the reasons we didn't get along that year. I'm sorry. I'm glad you are a bigger person than me and you forgave me for being a petulant little bitch. I'm glad that we have grown as friends. I'm glad that despite everything we've been through in our friendship that we can laugh at ourselves, and share breakfast, ideas, and good conversation. To quote you during an epic fight: "I would kill for you."

9. "Anyone who isn’t confused really doesn’t understand the situation."-Edward R. Murrow. I don't hate you. I don't particularly like you either. To me, you are a slew of emotions that stretches back longer than I care to admit. You are the person I spend time with to keep the peace, to keep the equilibrium, to not go against the status quo. As I get older, I'm no longer sure that's a good enough reason to keep hanging around you, yet I'm not mature enough to try and cut you out. So we are at an impass, like we've always been.

10. "Friendship is born at the moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought no one but myself'." -C.S. Lewis. I will never know how exactly we became friends, but I think that this quote is probably pretty accurate. From the moment I've known you, you've been my favorite sounding board for pretty much everything. My friend in cynacism, and the desire for greatness. You and I are the two that can spend hours bitching about the things we can't change in our lives, and hours changing the things we can. We bond over our lack of ability to get anywhere outside of the Philadelphia city limits, and the stories that occur when we try to. We are the ones that want to rule the world, and when that fails, we'll settle for ruling our little corners of it. We are the budding alcoholics, and yet our own version of the 12 step program. You hold my universe together, don't forget that.

I could go on and write ones for everyone I've ever loved, lost, or felt anything towards. There are many that are probably mad i didn't go on for the whole fifteen, but let's face it the lesson plans aren't going to write themselves. I leave you this quote, because i feel it's always summed up my friends.

“Here's to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes, the ones who see things differently. They are not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things, they push the human race forward, and while someone may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do”- source unknown.

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night" says the Jew.

2007-12-24T09:36:00.001-05:00

Oh Christmas. The weirdest time of year for me because there's just so much family and so much suburbs. I am currently sitting in my father's living room drinking copious amounts of coffee, breathing in the second hand smoke from my father and step-mother's ciggarettes, and watching the soccer mom's section of the Today show.

Since my mother moved to Colorado, coming home to my dad's house is just... awkward. There's no place for me here. Each of the other kids has their own room in the house, but I'm the one that didn't grow up here. I am the odd one who came to MD and stayed at my mom's house which (while I hate everything about the Kentlands and Lakelands) was home. So here... I constantly feel like I'm imposing in some way. This isn't my home. This is my dad's house. Oh well. There's cable and internet, what else do I really need? Seriously.

In other news, I AM SO HAPPY THAT IT'S WINTER BREAK. I feel like I haven't been able to catch up this year. I am completely planned, but have no real clue how to stay on top of everything I've planned. It's very frustrating. It's like running on a tredmill. I keep going and going and going but really i'm in the same damn spot I was yesterday only now I'm exhausted. (Side note: I changed stations, and now I'm watching Love Actually. I love Alan Rickman.) Basically I really need these ten days off.

Sunnier topics... I've been running around the past month with fun social events as well. Post-Thanksgiving Potluck was a lot of fun. Though we played Apples to Apples with lots of people, which did not work out so well. Mad River Happy Hour was a lot of crazy dancing, cheap liquor, and general debauchery. Jess' play was fantastic. Delivering Operation Santa presents was heartwarming, and not the least bit scary :) (gotta love nicetown).

I'm a bit doofy over a new boy, but you know i get like that sometimes. It's good and grown up and I'm playing it cool, calm, collected... or so I'd like to think. (And that's all of the gossip you'll be allowed to get from me on that.)

My laptop is about to die, and so I am going to go.

More another time my loves.

"And that creaking you hear... is my brain's overload."

2007-11-04T21:20:00.000-05:00

I have lots of little things that I want to say, and none would be able to make it's way to a full entry... so I made a list.

1. If I time my morning commute right, I can watch the sunrise over the delaware river when the EL goes up to Spring Garden. The row homes are silouhetted in black against the bright oranges and purples of the morning sky. It's enough to make North Philadelphia and even New Jersey look beautiful.

2. A BNL song popped into my head for the first time in ages on Friday night. "Oh alcohol, would you please forgive me? While I cannot love myself, I use something else."

3. The amount of grading i have to do might make my head explode.

4. Three cops were shot in Philadelphia last week in three different situations. One passed away, the other two are recovering. It's a tragedy, and slightly unnerving that criminals are now fine with shooting law enforcement. It makes me mad though that it took these three shootings for people to begin getting worried about the crime in the city. Since January 1st, 2007 to October 18th, 2007 there were 318 murders. And in the past week, they have just now figured out that Philly has a problem? Oh the town I love so much...

5. I wish I remembered all the things I wanted to say when I started writing...

"Takes two beers to remember why, and five more to forget..."

2007-10-27T19:16:00.000-04:00

A warning to those that read this: This entry is whiny. This entry is melodramatic. To all those who are going to read it, I am aware that i am being whiny and melodramatic. No, mom, i don't want to talk about it.

Moving on.

Halloween reminds me of him. It reminds me of the party where we got drunk and I made him pinky swear that when he was 26 and I was 30 that we would date "for real" as I called it. He laughed and kissed my cheek. I was dating someone else, and i knew deep down that it was going to end. It was the night we stayed up all night telling secrets. It was a night that we just knew. The next day we debriefed. I told him that I wanted to stay with the boy i was currently dating, and reminded him of our pinky swear. A week later, I had been dumped, he'd been mugged, septa was on strike and he held me tight on the futon in the living room of kellie's apartment. Between October 30th and November 6th, I just remember him.

I remember that he's gone and won't come back. This year I remember just how alone i really am. I remember that at 25, I have never held a relationship longer than 7 months. I remember the men who i've driven away for whatever reason, and all the faults and cynacism that I have towards relationships. I sit here alone in my halloween costume, thinking of him, thinking of "all the loves that could have been, if i'd only thought of something charming to say."

I feel like I've "gone long enough, waiting for wonderful."

"So in the end it's not just you with your memories and your scars..."

2007-10-14T11:28:00.000-04:00

Jess stole my journal entry idea. I blame the fact that she can stay up after a concert to update her blog, whereas I turned into a pumpkin on the ride home. Actually, I just think she and I think very similarly and we both love the nathanson so much.

Quick concert review: fan-freaking-tastic. He played the best of the new album, "then I'll be smiling," "loud," "church clothes," his standards from beneath these fireworks, "answering machine," "don't stop believin'," "laid," "lucky boy," and then CAME BACK after his finale to do one more song "little victories." I love him.

Still, much like jess, I was thinking about music and it's affect on me. I have songs for everyone. I have a soundtrack to my life at all times. There are songs that I equate with myself, and lyrics that i think sum me up. Like everyone, I have lyrics that I wish I associated with myself.

When this entry was first concieved, I was going to go through a bunch of songs that had to do with my life (very much in the way Graham and I spent time talking about our autobiographical songs), but now I think I'm just going to pass on that idea.

I was laying in bed this morning thinking about autumn. I'm not going to elaborate. I'm just going to post the lyrics to the two songs that popped into my mind.

"5 am, undressed
In your static, in your mess
I don't need any new voices
I'm thick enough with superstitions and choices...

Sing me sweet
sing me low
say you'll never let me go
'cause I've gone long enough
waiting for wonderful...

Just to stay like this
In the give of your lips
In the dim half-light dawn
Pinned below your undertow
When everything meant everything again
------"Sing Me Sweet"

"Since you went away the days grow long
And soon I'll hear old winter's song
But I miss you most of all my darling
When autumn leaves start to fall..."
------ "Autumn Leaves"

"Why do they do it? Show up anyway?"

2007-10-08T20:49:00.000-04:00

I went back through my livejournal a few weeks ago. There are very few things that are more humbling than going back and reading about what a loser you were in college. One thing that stuck out from my whiny brat college life, was how much fun I had hanging out with Graham. Sure there were those brief periods of awkwardness when mistakes were made, but for the most part I really do love my graham-elah. So this weekend, I packed a backpack of clothing, hopped a train, and made my way to Manchester CT. Here's a breakdown of my weekend...

"I want to travel like Duke Ellington in my own railway car..."- Ani Difranco. "Self-Evident"

I would like to start with a big "fuck you very much" to Amtrak. My train which was traveling the northeast corridor from DC to Boston (Springfield to be technical) arrived to Philly on time. I found a seat and began my journey. A half hour into the journey, the train slowed to a crawl and stopped with a shudder and ka-thunk. The electricity on the train went out, and the conductor got on the emergency PA and announced that we were having "technical difficulties." 20 minutes later, the girl in front of me (who was an '05 tfa person who still teaches in Philly) noticed a crowd of people had gathered on the side of the tracks, with fire engines and police. The engine of our train was on fire. 10 minutes later the "rescue train" showed up and we evacuated on to that (yes I spent a half hour on a train with a burning engine). The "rescue train" was just an empty NJ transit train, and it took us another hour to get everyone off the original train and on to the "rescue train." Finally we get to New York Penn Station at 8:30 p.m. I was supposed to be in Hartford, CT by 9:30. The NJ transit train dropped all of us off at Penn Station and we were basically told to fend for ourselves. So naturally the mob of angry travelers descended upon the customer service booth, and Amtrak put us on the 9:07 train to Springfield. We boarded that train and all was smooth sailing until we got to New Haven at 11:00 p.m. The electricity turned off, the train stopped (engine off) and we didn't move for 10 minutes. I called graham and loudly exclaimed "Now I'm stuck in fucking New Haven..." the expletives continued until graham hung up and we started moving 5 minutes after that. I got to graham at 11:57 p.m.

"There's nothing like looking at your own history in the faces of your friends."- Ani Difranco "Good, bad, ugly"

I assumed that once I got back to Graham's apt, we would make small talk and then opt for sleep since we both worked all day. I was wrong. It had been two years since we'd seen each other, so we started talking. And talking. And talking. And finally at 4 a.m. we gave up and decided we should sleep. For the record, graham has a beautiful apartment. True it is in a rather yuppie dorm-esque apartment building, but it really is a beautiful place.

The next morning Graham made omelets and we sat around watching episodes of TV shows that I am going to have to start watching (Curb Your Enthusiasm and Entourage) and a great "horror movie" called Behind the Mask which was thoroughly enjoyable. It was a lazy day filled with the same types of conversations Graham and I had been having for years. We talked about movies, music and books. We reminisced about old times, he showed me clips of things on the web that he discovered and needed to share. Occasionally, he picked up his guitar and we sang like we used to. It was two years of hang out time that we felt we needed to catch up on in one day. Around 4, we decided to get ready to go out to dinner with graham's gf, my ex-bf (not too random he's good friends with graham), and this gentlemen's new gf.

"Here we are again and we're looking at each other as if each other were to blame. You think your smart, but I've seen you naked... if all else fails you can blame it on me."- BNL

One of the benefits of my dating career is that I tend to have relationships with men that plan on leaving the city of Philadelphia within a certain time period, or that live elsewhere and commute to see me (such as this case). I would say that this has just been a freaky coincidence, but since my MO is to seek men that are emotionally unavailable for whatever reason, I think my subconscious finds these men more attractive. Fascinating as this thought might be, however, it is not the point. The point is with almost all of my old relationships living in different states, I rarely have to deal with meeting an ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend. When Graham asked if I would object to seeing this particular ex and his new girlfriend, I agreed because it had been two years and there were really no hard feelings between us. I assumed it would be slightly awkward, but again it had been two years, HE had dumped ME, and I was okay with it so why wouldn't the other girl be okay with it. Clearly, I forgot to take into consideration the female psychie. I will not go into detail with how painful this four hour dinner was, but I will say I have never in my life sat across from another woman that wanted to see me dead more. (And I have pissed off alot of women in my life.)

"Seems like so long ago when we were carefree..."- Jamie Cullum

The rest of Saturday night into Sunday was more of the same graham and I telling stories and goofing off. Graham's gf joined in the fun, commenting on our stories and sharing her own. I like her. She's good for him. Graham and her got me addicted to The Office, and I'll now be spending time on various illegal websites attempting to watch the seasons I've missed. I finally saw Borat and this weird Canadian feminist horror movie Ginger Snaps (highly recommend it).

I don't really know what else to say about my visit. Graham and I had this conversation once in college about the people in our lives that make us crazy. They frustrate us, they make us mad, they disappoint and leave us, but they are still people that we love no matter what. He thought that this one girl was his in college. I think though that we are starting to learn that we are that person for each other. Graham makes me crazy. He frustrates me. He has disappointed me. He has left me. He has broken my heart. He is still one of my favorite people. He is still someone that I do love having in my life.

(Thus ends the longest entry EVER)

Holding the Universe Together

2007-09-29T18:28:00.000-04:00

In a given week I get about thirty to forty emails from my three closest friends. We hit reply all, and spend any free moment we get sending small details from our day across the internet to all parts of philadelphia, the burbs, and cleveland. We rant about our jobs, tell stories, and offer advice about current problems. It's the only way we can manage our crazy schedules to maintain the strong bond we created a long time ago.

The concept of Liquid Nails was a joke born out of Amanda's drunken declaration that after our college graduation we would never see each other again, and Angie's calming logic that our friendship was the strongest force on earth, kind of like Liquid Nails. (We, also, cause neurological damage in california apparently.) Graduation happened, our lives really began and in our fits of life and email the three of us developed another strong bond with the one that really keeps us together (because emailing is what she does best).

Now we are four. We each have a different thing that connects us to each other. For Jess and I, it is our ability to talk for hours. For Angie and I, it's our desire for something greater in our lives, and our slight bitterness (let's be honest). For Amanda and I, it's so many things and so much history (after all, she and I were friends first).

I bring them up now, almost four years after our first drunken declaration of friendship, because of their uncanny ways of knowing what i need in my life. From the emails that keep me sane between classes, the phone message that tells me that i didn't, in fact, embarrass myself while I was out at the bar, or just the acceptance of me when I need that love and acceptance the most. Thinking about it now, they really do hold my universe together.

"I act like I have faith, and like that faith never ends, but I really just have friends."

All we are we are.

2007-09-16T22:33:00.000-04:00

I found a person on facebook who I hadn't talked to in almost seven years. Very common for facebook, we all find people here and there from our pasts, and "friend" them for no apparent reason. It's essentially a great big high school reunion, only less alcohol and less pressure to actually speak to people. It opens up a strange floodgate of emotion for me to re-meet people that I once knew so well. This person and I went to middle school together, and spent three or so years together in BBYO. We used to exchange writing, and occasional witty conversation. He was smarter than me (still is), but yet was rarely if ever the type of person to make me feel dumb. After reconnecting on facebook, he encouraged me to call him. So tonight, I did. Terrified, I dialed the number. I don't like the phone. I'm a writer by nature. I sound better on paper than I can ever express in words, and tonight the 20 minute conversation we had proved this point. It was, without a doubt, the most awkward conversation I have ever had.

We talked unelaborately about many things; college majors, writing, teaching, and americorps. (Side note: I am starting to embrace the semi-colon after years of hating it.) We touched lightly on my disdain for Gaithersburg and his love of it. We forced casual small talk, and at the end of the call I was left feeling... awkward and uncertain and somewhat embarrassed. I'm not necessarily sure why. I always feel weird when I talk to people I grew up with. It always leads me into a moment of asking myself: Who am I? Really? Am I the same person I've always been? Have I changed drastically? How do I define myself now? So here I am, about to tell you all (who know and love me on some weird level, or else you wouldn't read this) how I describe myself these days.

I walk when I'm contemplative; I clean when I'm sad; I sing when I'm angry; I sleep when I'm stressed. I drink too much coffee. I've been known to drink too much alcohol. I laugh at inappropriate jokes. I love my friends. I am terrible at keeping in touch. I believe education can be the great equalizer. I work a lot. I play a lot too. I love the ocean. I love books. I hate the phone. I have a cat, but no roommate. I am terrible in relationships. I find wisdom in songs. I don't dance, I bop. I can be catty. I, occasionally, have pedestrian rage. I am a forced extrovert. I love Philadelphia. I have a special place in my heart for broadway musicals. I daydream a lot. I sometimes feel like I ran away from home when I was 20. I want to see the world. I don't know how to drive. I'm an idealist, but not an optimist. I might be the same person that I was at 15, but I try really hard not to be.

And that's me.

Broke into the old apartment...

2007-08-22T12:07:00.000-04:00

I live in chaos. I always have. I am not a neat person. I'm not a slob, I just creat clutter. That's what makes home to me.

I've been thinking recently about the places I've lived since I moved to Philadelphia after college three years go. (July 3rd marked the three year anniversary.) I've been thinking about my four apartments and five roommates. I loved the apartment on Christian St. with it's minimal furniture, and transient roommates. It's proximity to everything, and it's multicolored living room. I loved the front porch on Spruce St., but mostly loved the company I kept on that front porch. I loved Hazel Ave. though everyone makes fun of my time at "50th and shoot you in the face". It was a small apartment that had a lot of character. I think I just loved living with Elena.

Now, though, I actually feel at home in this fourth apartment.. I have pictures on the walls, and furniture from Gaithersburg. Three years, three apartments, five roommates later... I am comfortable saying that have found a home in Philly.

"They all think I'm easy, well I'm easy, 'cause I let them win..."

2007-08-16T15:55:00.000-04:00

A month ago, Jess chastised me with, "Would you update your blog? You're a writer for christsake!" Well, better late then never I guess, but there's not a whole lot to report.

I have almost completed my first summer off. I did not work at all this summer, with the exception of some curriculum work that I did from home. I got to travel a little bit, and read books for fun for the first time in a long while.

I went to visit my mother in Colorado. A beautiful place of mountains and small towns. She's happy there, which makes me happy, though it's not as convenient to visit as Gaithersburg. A few weeks later I ventured down to North Carolina with my Dad, Step-Mom and the gaggle of stepsiblings and other related types. It astounds me how much Duck, NC has changed since I was a little kid, and yet it astounds me how it has stayed the same. I read books that week, and window shopped at the same places I did throughout elementary school.

Since I last wrote, I started and ended a relationship which was very "when it was good it was very very good and when it was bad it was horrid." It's over though, and now I'm convinced that I'm going to wind up alone with cats. I'm getting more okay with that.

On August 27, I go back to school and my students arrive a week later. Year #2 will begin as will my attempt to make year 2 better than year 1. I want to learn from my mistakes. I want to have classroom management (or something that resembles classroom management). I want my kids to actually read a book. Who knows? I just want to get back to work.

Some reviews (in case you care...):

Book:

The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen- I liked it, but not as much as I thought I would based on the reviews that I read of it. The characters are deep and complex, the family dynamics are very real, but the actually plot is... drawn out. It was a good read though. (Note: it makes

Heart Shaped Box by Joe Hill- No it's not about Kurt Cobain. Really quick read, but a good ghost story. Aging rock star (ala Ozzy Osborne) has a fetish for the occult and buys a "ghost" off ebay. Thinks it's a joke, but then weird things start happening. Seems contrite, but actually it's done well.

What the Dead Know by Laura Lippman- It's been a while since I went out and bought everything an author has written, but this chick rocks. Two sisters go missing one afternoon at the mall in Baltimore county. Thirty years later, long after they are presumed dead, a woman claiming to be the younger sister is involved in a hit and run accident. Good characters, good plot twists, all and all a great story.

Okay...

Family rituals and fading memories

2007-03-11T11:36:00.001-04:00

This morning I woke up, made coffee, toasted a bagel, and sat down to watch CBS Sunday Morning. As I sipped my coffee and learned about chuck close, the youngest big city mayor, david stienberg, and old people roller skating my mind began to wander and I started thinking about my grandma.

At some point in my childhood, my grandma put a little black and white TV in her kitchen so she could watch the news while she cooked. Soon after she complained that she needed a color TV for the kitchen so she could get the full effect of the nature scenes on Sunday Morning. (The "moment of zen" on the Daily Show is a parody of the end of Sunday Morning where they show nature scenes.) My grandma was a woman of rituals. CBS Sunday Morning was a ritual for her. She would get up, make her black coffee, and watch and learn about the world around her.

Most people would call her a woman of habit, but I like to think of her life as classier than just habit. She held everything together through her rituals. She made the same style of dinner for my pop-pop every night. A cup of canned fruit, the meal, and then ice cream in a custard dish. She told the same stories at the same time of the year; birthdays, holidays, summer vacations, election years, etc. She read me the same bedtime story until well into my elementary school years. She made the same date nut bread holiday season. This consistency I am convinced at this point in time held my father's family together. Even today, the holidays with them are not complete until someone makes candied yams in the blue pot like she did every year. When she died and no one was there to tell her stories, make her food, continue the traditions the way she did, my father's family couldn't deal with it. Grandma's rituals and her consistency stay with me, in a way that I desperately wish I could emulate. I long for the ability to oganize the way she did, and keep the same rituals alive. I just don't have that strength and that discipline.

The realization of exactly how much my family depended on her didn't hit me until I was sitting on the couch watching sunday morning smiling and wishing that I had a sunday copy of the Washington Post as well. The problem is that the aniversary of grandma's death is a little under three weeks away, and my memory of her house, her life, and my childhood is slowly fading. There are somethings I will never forget. But for as much as I remember, the edges are starting to get fuzzy. Her voice stays with me, but her apperance slowly blends into pictures that span decades. The layout of her house, the furinture, the smell all slowly melt and move together and I can't remember what was the most recent.

Grandma passed away from colon cancer on March 3o, 1998. I was 15. Her death was increibly hard for me to deal with. As I sit her now on this sunday morning, thinking about our rituals and stories I can't help but hope that where ever my grandmother is now that she can see me and is proud of the person I've become.

"Nothing else makes such a desperate sound..."

2007-01-24T21:15:00.000-05:00

I had a one on one with the principal today. We have to sit and talk about our year and what we'd like for the following year. Somehow we got on the topic of Americorps (i think because i was trying to explain how Americorps and La Salle are fucking me over), and I started talking about my experiences with CY. Suddenly I heard myself, rambling away with no real point. I felt 15 again. That awkward talking where you know that the person isn't really interested but you keep going. Cringe-worthy moment.

Ooooh good song just came on my playlist.

I was going to write more, but I think I am just going to post the soundtrack to life right now and let other people's words speak for me.

"I still love what I know/I love to ride alone and sing a song and listen to the radio/You can ride alone and if you change your mind, well, that's just fine/But there is somethin' that you got to know/Just don't ask me for the for the truth if you choose to lie honey/And don't try to open my door with your skeleton key/Some folks seem to think I only got one problem/I can't find nobody as crazy as me." (Crazy as Me - Alison Krauss)

"Baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine, and a fail to kiss is a fail to cope. I said, 'Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified, come on put a little love here in my void.' He said, 'It's all in your head,' and I said, 'So's everything.' But he didn't get it." (Paper Bag - Fiona Apple)

"Cynical town can be tough on an angel, clips her wings baby 1, 2, 3..." (See Her Smile - Tick Tick Boom)

"And if the world decides to catch up with me, it's a little victory..."

2007-01-01T22:04:00.000-05:00

Welcome to 2007. Out with the old in with the new... Or maybe a little bit of stability and status quo for the new year.

2006 was a year of transition for me. It was a year that was in flux from almost the moment it started.
January was packing up my little South Philly apartment and preparing to move to West Philly. I quit my lights of liberty job, and prepared to teach SAT Prep to high schoolers.
February, moving day, adapting to life in West Philly, planning CY projects.
March - April saw me working on two of the largest project I'd ever undertaken: The library rennaissance and the college fair. It also had me frantically searching for jobs.
May - The library project finally ended, and I got my first job. My little brother graduated from college.
June- Was on TRL (looking bored apparently). Two years at CY ended. Ended my first real functional relationship.
July- Terrible month of working at a day care, and getting ready to move again. Had a couple decadent weekends with Danielle in there though where we met a man with sandwiches tatooed on his arms and took fishtown by storm.
August- Moved again this time deeper into West Philly, started working at Mariana Bracetti.
September- December- First year teacher life. Constantly in flux.
December - Got Latina eyed for the Jewish Girl (Elena and i went shopping and i learned that there are clothes that actually look good on me!). Got a PA State ID. Got a philadelphia cell phone number (after a jackass stole my old phone at a party).

With a year of changes behind me, I would like my life to regain some sense of calm. I want to spend this year figuring things out. Getting my act together. I want to be organized. I want the messiness of my life to sort itself out. These aren't new year's resolutions per se. They are mearly my hopes for the upcoming year, along with the hope that we (friends, family, myself) will all be healthy and happy.

Happy new year.

"Cause you make such a beautiful wreck you do..."

2006-12-30T00:41:00.000-05:00

One of the perks of teaching is that I am in the middle of my winter break. Sure I've got papers to grade, lessons to plan, and books to read, but I was actually able to go home to Maryland and stay for almost five days. Today I got to spend the day in the city running errands, seeing movies, and shopping for 8 dollar boob accentuating tops.

Typically I don't go home to reconnect with people I once knew. A lot of people that I once knew don't always understand or like who I've become, and I get tired of trying to explain my new life and new paths. This visit home though was filled with people I once knew and a life long since left behind. Tuesday, I went out with my friend Kalenn, her husband of five years Kris, and their 11 month old baby Liesel. It was surreal. We sat in the booth at the diner discussing the DC metro area, Utah, Philadelphia and diversity while the baby cooed and gnawed on crackers and fruit. I've known Kalenn since we were 9 years old and taking piano lessons. We'd gone exploring in creeks together, passed notes in English class, danced in theater dressing rooms, and giggled evenings away. We never really realized how different our lives were. She grew up a strict mormon, and I a reform Jew with an atheist father.

At one point we drove to Rajvi's house. We had been a bad joke growing up: A mormon, a Jew, and a Hindu (walk into a bar... OW!) We ran to the side door, the same way we had when we were in elementary school with the same question dancing on our lips "Is Rajvi home??" She wasn't.

Later that day, we met up with Katie who had spent the day trying on wedding dresses. We all chatted about our respective lives and perspective futures.

Wednesday, I met up with Rajvi finally. It had been maybe five years since I'd last seen her. We talked about her boyfriend who was expected to be her fiancee in a few months. We talked about school. We reminiced about our childhood.

I learned something very profound in my tine with these ladies. In a lot of respects I have things complete under control. I have a good job doing what I love. I have a great apartment. I have my friends that I love. In a lot of other ways I am a beautiful wreck.

Day to day, I get a little sappy about my lack of love life. My mother tries to ask me about my most recent failed relationship and smooths things over with "well at least you were in love" type sentiments. The big thing I realized is that I never thought about being in love until this week. At 24, with so many people around me in serious committed relationships (in this entry I have not mentioned spending two days with a good friend in committed relationship of 2 years, my step-sister's boyfriend of 2 years spending christmas with my family, and my cousin's girlfriend of... 2 years... spending christmas with my family) I realize that I... I never really think about love in the long term. I mean if my ex hadn't run off to North Carolina I think we'd probably still be together, but I never planned for it. When I plan for the future I never think about anyone being there with me. I never think about marriage or kids or even "living in sin" with another person. I wonder what is wrong with me. I had friends in college who used to talk about their ideal weddings, and I could barely participate expcept to say that I like the outdoors and roses because they're my birth flower. My grandmother always told me not to get married until I had my life figured out. As my life slowly works its way into figured out, have I wasted too much time to get the love part figured out too?

I found Amy's Blog

2006-12-19T00:31:00.000-05:00

So I rarely do shit like this anymore... but it's more interesting than grading...

If your life was a movie, what would the soundtrack be?
How to do it:1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc).2. Put it on Shuffle.3. Press Play.4. For every question, type the song that's playing.5. When you go to a new question, press the next button.6. Be honest.

My life is: Heaven Help Me

OPENING CREDITS
Cyndi Lauper- "Time After Time"
I picture bad 80's hair do's and diary writing. Oh yeah, and there's rain, lots and lots of rain.

WAKING UP
Howie Day- "She Says"
Okay so the beginning of the song is about waking up, but so far my movie is really freakin' whiny.

FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL
Pat McGee Band- Runaway
It could be worse i guess.

FALLING IN LOVE
The Bloodhound Gang- "Lift your head up high and blow your brains out."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA... wow. I have nothing else to say to this.

FIGHT SONG
Fiona Apple- "Fast as you can"
Okay this is kinda cool.

BREAKING UP
Sarah Mclachlan- "Terms of Endearment"
I would be with the guy who doesn't really want to be with me, but won't tell me so we wind up having a really fucked up break-up. (There's a bitter joke to be made here about my relationship senior year at la salle...)

PROM
Tori Amos- Mother
I can dig this. It's very a melancholy coming of age song... just very final. Not very happy "yay prom."

LIFE IS GOOD
Rolling Stones- Wild Horses
Umm... okay?

MENTAL BREAKDOWN
Halifax- Snow in Hollywood
The lyrics totally don't fit with a mental breakdown, but I can totally see myself going stark raving mad and breaking shit to this song.

DRIVING
Eddie From Ohio- Clear and Present Danger
I don't know.

FLASHBACK
Deana Carter- "We danced anyway"
This fits! YAY! It's actually a song about flashbacks.

GETTING BACK TOGETHER
Goo Goo Dolls- Iris
Yes I do have the sappiest music collection known to human kind.

WEDDING
Cake- Short skirt, long jacket
There's something really cool about this being the wedding song. Short white dress, long black jacket... very mod.

FINAL BATTLE
Counting Crows- A Murder of One
Nice :)

DEATH SCENE
Matt Nathanson- Sad Songs
I just love this song... and if I had to pick a song for my death scene, i think this would be nice.

FUNERAL SONG
BoDeans- Naked
Um.... I hope not.

END CREDITS
Guster- Two Points for Honesty

This was a productive way to spend my night... ha.

"You're only as loud as the noises you make."

2006-12-17T23:11:00.000-05:00

Tonight I saw a play. I've seen a number of plays in my life. Community, high school, professional you name it... I've never had this reaction to a play before. Even my first show ever, Crazy For You, while it sparked a love of theater that exists today, it did not invoke this kind of stay up past bed time thought process that i am getting through right now.

I just saw My Children! My Africa! by Athol Fugard at the Wilma. The acting was great, but the script is what has captured my thoughts. It was a play about South Africa in 1984. It was about substandard racist education in a society that needed change. There were three characters; three opinons on how that change needed to come about. The teacher looked at education as the way for change. To teach students the language and the words they needed to create change. He makes this beautiful speech about the gift of language and oration. There's the black student who is angry and sees change occuring only by protest and force. There's the privleged white student who looks at change as happening by forming friendships and seeing things from the other perspective. She's naive and somewhat ignorant to the world around her. These characters resonated with me. Within them I saw so much of current philadelphia. The substandard education that essentially makes sure that our students will never rise to the place they can go. The teachers like myself who want to work within it because we keep the hope that education can be the great equalizer. Believing somehow that if our students learn the language of change that they can become the change they want to see. Knowing deep down that the lessons they are learning are not about them, and struggling to show them why they should know it. The naive people who don't truely understand what is going on, but know a change should occur. And in the student that believed that the substandard education and inequality could only be erased by protest and fighting I see so many of my students.

I want to bring them to see this show, I want to make them read it, to show them all the sides. To let them see and compare these students' lives to their own. I want to make the teachers i work with read it and discuss it. I want others to see the sides of an argument that people ignore in this city.

Never in the 12 years that I have been in love with the stage, and the 19 years I've been in love with the written word have I felt this... engulfed... by a play.

More after I buy the play tomorrow and read it over and over again.

"The hardest to learn was the least complicated..."

2006-10-23T02:00:00.000-04:00

I officially started teaching on September 5th. Since that point my life has been a series of misadventures, mistakes, and mis-steps. Last week I only really had to teach two days out of the week due to state mandated testing, yet that week was the first week that I actually felt confident in the school. For the first time in a month and a half I actually believed that I belonged there. This was only complicated by my increasingly complicated personal life.

"I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy/What is closer to the truth/That if I lived till I was 102/I just don't think I'll ever get over you."

I had a visitor last week, he spent it sleeping on my couch. We spent it making the same jokes we'd made for two years. Playing skip-bo and watching tv, running to catch busses, playing quizzo, talking about life, sharing silly stories on the porch while he smoked and I sat breathing in the cool night air and the acrid smell of nicotine. Occasionally our hands would touch and we'd retract them quickly, or let them linger with a tired sigh. It was comfortable to have him here, yet simultaneously frustrating and emotionally draining. Not enough time had passed to dull the ache, and yet so much time had passed that we couldn't go back to where we'd been. I cried alot this week, because I'm a silly girl. In a moment of clarity mixed with red wine, I walked him to the trolley. My goodbye was more final than I had intended the week to end. He's still going to be the first person that i've ever said "I love you" to and meant it. He's still going to be the only person I can share my bucket of crazy with, but it's time to let go of the hope that I'm going to get a call in a year to move to detroit. He's going to go back and live his life, and I am going to start re-living my life here. I will still call every so often to make sure that he's still alive, but once a week is too much too soon. So in this walk to the trolley, I kissed him goodbye. Our first kiss of the week, and the last for who knows how long. And with that, I am going to close that chapter.

"Stones taught me to fly/Love taught me to cry/So come on courage/Teach me to be shy/'Cause it's not hard to fall/And I don't wanna lose/It's not hard to grow/When you know that you just don't know"

There's so much more to say about the state of my life right now. Teaching, learning, and growing up. My kids teach me new things everyday. My fellow teachers constantly teach me new things about myself, and my new found career path. For everyday I grow up, I grow down ever so slightly. It's far to difficult to get into at this point in time.

I'm not unhappy, I'm just still learning.

In other news... if you were still wondering if santorum was an ass... here's some more proof.

http://www.phillyburbs.com/pb-dyn/news/111-10172006-728120.html

goodnight.

All this talk of getting older is getting me down my love

2006-09-17T02:04:00.000-04:00

It's a strange feeling to suddenly think of myself as an adult. I still feel like a child in so many ways. I look at people I work with as so much older, so much more mature when half of them are younger than i am. I still have silly conversations on the phone with my girlfriends about the men in our lives. I still have a myspace account. I still have drunken crazy pictures on my wall. I still feel like ice cream and melodramatic television shows make a great night. I have never held a romantic relationship for longer than 7 months. I still get great enjoyment out of stickers and puzzles. I still dance like an idiot around my room when the mood strikes me. Yet... somehow... somewhere... I got a grown up job, and more responsibility than i've ever had in my life.

I teach 10th grade. Over two days, I see 180 students for hour and a half blocks. I get up at 5:15/5:30 every morning, depending on the day I get home between 6 and 10:30 every night. I spend my weekends getting ready to teach the next week. I make a real salary. I have a real apartment and real bills. Somewhere along the way, I became an adult and I want to know when the fuck that happened?

"Life just keeps getting harder, and it just keeps getting harder to hide."

"When I said I'd take, I meant as is..."

2006-08-03T22:11:00.000-04:00

"And I've got no illusions about you, guess what I never did. When I said, when i said i'd take it, I meant as is."

The first time my mother and I drove down north Broad street on our way to visit La Salle University, we were silent as we passed the decaying shops and dirty streets. Finally she turned to me and said, "you're not going to school here." Following the admissions office's directions we passed the Central High School football field with Central in front of us. "If that's La Salle," my mom said with panic in her voice, "we're turning around right now and going home."

It turns out we didn't turn around and go home, and I spent four years at La Salle. My mother never grew to like the city any more though, constantly complaining about the dirty streets and worrying about bad neighborhoods. I still don't think she really understands why I love this city so much.

Here I am, almost exactly six years since I first arrived in Philadelphia, and madly in love with a hopelessly imperfect city.

I have espoused before about the beautiful tapestry that is Philadelphia, the old and new weaving together to create intricate patterns. But it's not just the old and new, not just the old south philly men with sandwiches tattooed on their arms (a story for another time) drinking with 20 year old hipsters, or the Penn students living next door to the west philadelphia family that's lived there for 30 years. The tapestry is so much more complex than I can ever fully grasp.

Frequently students at La Salle rarely leave the campus. The neighboring Mt. Airy, Olney, and Logan prove a little to scary for the typical white suburban Lasallian. If they do leave the campus, they take a shuttle to the sub and go straight to Center City. So, it wasn't until I ventured out on my own that I really saw the city. The past two years, I have walked through or visited almost every neighborhood. I have worked 7 blocks from Penn and been in a different world. Walked through sidestreets in Kensington, and recently been to bars in Fishtown. I have picked up trash in West Philadelphia, and played games with kids from Olney. And there's beauty in areas that people forget about. There's crime and drugs, and kids who grow up way too fast. But then again there is still a little 6 year old boy who puts together a car out of legos and giggles with the wonder of creating something, there is still a mosaic of angles on a church that's lot is covered in trash. On a block where teenagers deal with the death of friend, there are still old men and women who sit outside and yell a hello to passersby.

The real tapestry of Philadelphia accepts the littered streets and urban decay. The personality of Philadelphia is dirty, crass and yet at the same time oddly beautiful.

My purpose here, I still don't quite understand. But while I'm living and working in areas of the city that most of my friends are afraid to go, I will embrace this city for all of its little beauties.

This entry brought to you by a broken heart and Matt Wertz

2006-07-25T21:55:00.000-04:00

"And I don't think that I can even remember/Why it was that i came to this town"

Every guy I've ever dated has hated my taste in music. There's just something about sensitive (read: whiny) emotional lyrical acoustic music that just never did it for any of them. Funny though when the time comes for the relationship to end and I am left with my thoughts I turn to this emotional lyrical acoustic music and listen to songs on a loop. I pick a theme and run with it.

Well here I am, left with my thoughts... I have a broken heart. It's so cliche, but so true.

"This is me on the eve of an ending/To what I've known's been constant for a year/And I'm so scared of this pain that I'll be sending/Sometimes I just want to run away in fear"

It's not just this break-up that has me torn up. I don't deal well with change. City Year was my life for two years, and now I am about to embark upon a career as a teacher. Seriously? What the fuck do I know about teaching? I am terrified. And... as uneloquent as this sounds... this whole relationship ending thing... isn't helping!

"No, I haven't heard your voice in two weeks now/And anticipation's been wearing me thin/And I just can't help but wonderin' baby if somehow/We could tear these pages out and begin again"

I would like to clarify something, with 2000 miles between us, I wasn't expecting any great romance to endure. It's the loss of my friend that hurts the most. It's the lack of contact... not a phone call, an email, a fucking text message. It's the loss of one of my best friends.

Whatever, all I know anymore is...

"I don't want to be lonely tonight."

Editor's note: The song in purple is "Lonely Tonight" by Matt Wertz

"Monica, remember that it's food... not love" or the first pseudo-personal entry with no intellectual value.

2006-07-21T02:46:00.000-04:00

**Editor's Note: In an effort to not embarrass or incriminate anyone else in my life with this journal, anytime that I write about anyone else I will only be using the first initial. If you know who I'm talking about, mazel tov you win, but they don't need to be "put out on front street" if you know what I mean.**

I think I seek out people in my life who turn to food when life takes a turn to the worse. Maybe I do it to make myself feel less weird, when I crave a cup of coffee, ice cream, or cookies when I'm feeling crappy. Maybe people just like the fact that I'll cook for them when they're feeling down. Either way, it is the reason why when E was sounding sad on the phone yesterday night that I suggested we make dinner tonight and watch bad (but oh-so-great) movies. It was also the reason why she invited C to join when she learned that C had just been dumped by her significant other.

So there we were, three "classy" ladies eating chips and drinking Pabst, when the following conversation occured:

C: I can't even go on myspace, I just keep thinking that I'll have to change my relationship status.
Me {throwing my hands up in agreement}: It's the last remaining piece of my relationship! He hasn't changed his profile yet, and I refuse to do it first, because I know how upset I'll be if he notices and changes his.
E {chuckling}: I don't think I'll ever be able to change that status box. It's like a big step in a relationship, I'll just be thinking, like, 'I like you, but I don't know if I'm ready for all that.'
Me: Seriously, I remember that I didn't change my status until he changed his, and then I decided to do it.
E: I remember that!
C: Yeah well made me change mine to "in a relationship"...

Looking back on this conversation has brought me to two important conclusions-
First: Wow my friends and I are so fucking lame. I mean people are getting bombed, living without food or water, getting sub-par educations, etc and I'm sitting around eating chicken and scalloped potatoes talking about fucking myspace. I'm such a loser.

Second: When the hell did myspace start dictating our lives?? We check it religiously, put scandelous pictures of ourself on it, we use it to send messages to each other, and apparently to define our relationship status. It's the modern equivelent to getting "pinned." You'd think the three small words that would declare to the world that you're in a relationship would be "I love you," instead we get "In a relationship". How sad has this culture gotten? And why can't I pretend to be immune to it like so many of my friends are? Even my older campers are talking about it. Today the girls talked about how when they're older they're going to get a myspace page. They traded possible songs they could download and what pictures they'd put on it. THEY'RE 10! They should be decorating binders and lockers, not parts of the web where scary men can come find them! Sheesh.

I need to get off this computer... myspace is calling.

Stop snitching and other lessons we reluctantly teach children

2006-07-13T01:37:00.000-04:00

This summer I have taken on the daunting task of being an assistant counselor for a group of kids at a daycare in the Olney/Northeast section of Philadelphia. My group has 20 rostered kids, 14 that show up daily, and the age range is 5 to 11. So for 9 hours a day, I am breaking up fights, leading countless games of an altered "Captain's Coming", singing every camp song I know, and dealing with countless choruses of "Miss Aaaaaalliiiiiii..." Point being, my kids love to tattletale. I'm constantly bombarded with "Miss Ali, he's chewing with his mouth open;" "Miss, she stuck her tongue out at me;" "Miss, she starin' at me!"

There's this slogan: "Stop Snitchin'" that has been popping up everywhere recently. I'm not a fan of this slogan, in my mind it's associated with the witnesses to the murder of an innocent 7 year old boy that were intimidated into changing their testimony to allow the man on trial to go free. I associate it with the articles I read about shootings in broad daylight on a busy street where people are too scared to come forward and help catch the people that did it. Part of me completely understands the self-preservation aspect. The "why should I put myself out there when I didn't know the one who got killed" aspect. Typically, I side with the Mothers-in-charge "Step up! Speak up!" campagin which is trying to give people in philadelphia the courage to take a stand against violence and help stop it.

I say typically because after working at this daycare for a week now... I want to shake a few of my kids and scream "STOP SNITCHIN'!" I'm trying very hard to teach "good tattling" and "bad tattling." At the age of 7 though, most of them don't quite understand that cutting in line, or flicking ears is not a matter of life and death, and my patience only runs so deep.

It's a hard thing to teach, the line between not being a tattletale but to know when speaking up is okay. I've watched mothers smack their children in the back of the head and yell "snitches get stiches," which probably reinforces the idea that they shouldn't tattle, but probably also teaches them that they should never speak up. I can sit (sit... ha! who am I kidding, run around) at work day after day and repeat that "there are serious things that we should tell Miss Ali and Miss Tina, but there are somethings that you need to use your words and fix yourself" but does that help?

Something to ponder...

2006-07-04T00:05:00.000-04:00

So blogging is supposed to be this hip trendy way for people to speak their minds about the state of the modern world. I'm not hip, nor am I trendy, nor do I feel I can say anything intelligent about the state of our country today (that hasn't already been more eloquently put by a real blogger). I tried to stay below the blogging radar and write on a LiveJournal, but alas I am no longer 16 and angsty, and it was time for me to grow up. So here I am, writing on a real live blog. I might write about the state of the world. Spout eloquent prose about the state of education and politics, but most likely I will simply write about my day or what is pissing me off currently about the state of my life.

PS: Don't ask me about the title, I don't know why I called it that.