"The hardest to learn was the least complicated..."

I officially started teaching on September 5th. Since that point my life has been a series of misadventures, mistakes, and mis-steps. Last week I only really had to teach two days out of the week due to state mandated testing, yet that week was the first week that I actually felt confident in the school. For the first time in a month and a half I actually believed that I belonged there. This was only complicated by my increasingly complicated personal life.

"I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy/What is closer to the truth/That if I lived till I was 102/I just don't think I'll ever get over you."

I had a visitor last week, he spent it sleeping on my couch. We spent it making the same jokes we'd made for two years. Playing skip-bo and watching tv, running to catch busses, playing quizzo, talking about life, sharing silly stories on the porch while he smoked and I sat breathing in the cool night air and the acrid smell of nicotine. Occasionally our hands would touch and we'd retract them quickly, or let them linger with a tired sigh. It was comfortable to have him here, yet simultaneously frustrating and emotionally draining. Not enough time had passed to dull the ache, and yet so much time had passed that we couldn't go back to where we'd been. I cried alot this week, because I'm a silly girl. In a moment of clarity mixed with red wine, I walked him to the trolley. My goodbye was more final than I had intended the week to end. He's still going to be the first person that i've ever said "I love you" to and meant it. He's still going to be the only person I can share my bucket of crazy with, but it's time to let go of the hope that I'm going to get a call in a year to move to detroit. He's going to go back and live his life, and I am going to start re-living my life here. I will still call every so often to make sure that he's still alive, but once a week is too much too soon. So in this walk to the trolley, I kissed him goodbye. Our first kiss of the week, and the last for who knows how long. And with that, I am going to close that chapter.

"Stones taught me to fly/Love taught me to cry/So come on courage/Teach me to be shy/'Cause it's not hard to fall/And I don't wanna lose/It's not hard to grow/When you know that you just don't know"

There's so much more to say about the state of my life right now. Teaching, learning, and growing up. My kids teach me new things everyday. My fellow teachers constantly teach me new things about myself, and my new found career path. For everyday I grow up, I grow down ever so slightly. It's far to difficult to get into at this point in time.

I'm not unhappy, I'm just still learning.

In other news... if you were still wondering if santorum was an ass... here's some more proof.

http://www.phillyburbs.com/pb-dyn/news/111-10172006-728120.html

goodnight.