A warning to those that read this: This entry is whiny. This entry is melodramatic. To all those who are going to read it, I am aware that i am being whiny and melodramatic. No, mom, i don't want to talk about it.
Moving on.
Halloween reminds me of him. It reminds me of the party where we got drunk and I made him pinky swear that when he was 26 and I was 30 that we would date "for real" as I called it. He laughed and kissed my cheek. I was dating someone else, and i knew deep down that it was going to end. It was the night we stayed up all night telling secrets. It was a night that we just knew. The next day we debriefed. I told him that I wanted to stay with the boy i was currently dating, and reminded him of our pinky swear. A week later, I had been dumped, he'd been mugged, septa was on strike and he held me tight on the futon in the living room of kellie's apartment. Between October 30th and November 6th, I just remember him.
I remember that he's gone and won't come back. This year I remember just how alone i really am. I remember that at 25, I have never held a relationship longer than 7 months. I remember the men who i've driven away for whatever reason, and all the faults and cynacism that I have towards relationships. I sit here alone in my halloween costume, thinking of him, thinking of "all the loves that could have been, if i'd only thought of something charming to say."
I feel like I've "gone long enough, waiting for wonderful."
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Sunday, October 14, 2007
"So in the end it's not just you with your memories and your scars..."
Jess stole my journal entry idea. I blame the fact that she can stay up after a concert to update her blog, whereas I turned into a pumpkin on the ride home. Actually, I just think she and I think very similarly and we both love the nathanson so much.
Quick concert review: fan-freaking-tastic. He played the best of the new album, "then I'll be smiling," "loud," "church clothes," his standards from beneath these fireworks, "answering machine," "don't stop believin'," "laid," "lucky boy," and then CAME BACK after his finale to do one more song "little victories." I love him.
Still, much like jess, I was thinking about music and it's affect on me. I have songs for everyone. I have a soundtrack to my life at all times. There are songs that I equate with myself, and lyrics that i think sum me up. Like everyone, I have lyrics that I wish I associated with myself.
When this entry was first concieved, I was going to go through a bunch of songs that had to do with my life (very much in the way Graham and I spent time talking about our autobiographical songs), but now I think I'm just going to pass on that idea.
I was laying in bed this morning thinking about autumn. I'm not going to elaborate. I'm just going to post the lyrics to the two songs that popped into my mind.
"5 am, undressed
In your static, in your mess
I don't need any new voices
I'm thick enough with superstitions and choices...
Sing me sweet
sing me low
say you'll never let me go
'cause I've gone long enough
waiting for wonderful...
Just to stay like this
In the give of your lips
In the dim half-light dawn
Pinned below your undertow
When everything meant everything again
------"Sing Me Sweet"
"Since you went away the days grow long
And soon I'll hear old winter's song
But I miss you most of all my darling
When autumn leaves start to fall..."
------ "Autumn Leaves"
Quick concert review: fan-freaking-tastic. He played the best of the new album, "then I'll be smiling," "loud," "church clothes," his standards from beneath these fireworks, "answering machine," "don't stop believin'," "laid," "lucky boy," and then CAME BACK after his finale to do one more song "little victories." I love him.
Still, much like jess, I was thinking about music and it's affect on me. I have songs for everyone. I have a soundtrack to my life at all times. There are songs that I equate with myself, and lyrics that i think sum me up. Like everyone, I have lyrics that I wish I associated with myself.
When this entry was first concieved, I was going to go through a bunch of songs that had to do with my life (very much in the way Graham and I spent time talking about our autobiographical songs), but now I think I'm just going to pass on that idea.
I was laying in bed this morning thinking about autumn. I'm not going to elaborate. I'm just going to post the lyrics to the two songs that popped into my mind.
"5 am, undressed
In your static, in your mess
I don't need any new voices
I'm thick enough with superstitions and choices...
Sing me sweet
sing me low
say you'll never let me go
'cause I've gone long enough
waiting for wonderful...
Just to stay like this
In the give of your lips
In the dim half-light dawn
Pinned below your undertow
When everything meant everything again
------"Sing Me Sweet"
"Since you went away the days grow long
And soon I'll hear old winter's song
But I miss you most of all my darling
When autumn leaves start to fall..."
------ "Autumn Leaves"
Monday, October 08, 2007
"Why do they do it? Show up anyway?"
I went back through my livejournal a few weeks ago. There are very few things that are more humbling than going back and reading about what a loser you were in college. One thing that stuck out from my whiny brat college life, was how much fun I had hanging out with Graham. Sure there were those brief periods of awkwardness when mistakes were made, but for the most part I really do love my graham-elah. So this weekend, I packed a backpack of clothing, hopped a train, and made my way to Manchester CT. Here's a breakdown of my weekend...
"I want to travel like Duke Ellington in my own railway car..."- Ani Difranco. "Self-Evident"
I would like to start with a big "fuck you very much" to Amtrak. My train which was traveling the northeast corridor from DC to Boston (Springfield to be technical) arrived to Philly on time. I found a seat and began my journey. A half hour into the journey, the train slowed to a crawl and stopped with a shudder and ka-thunk. The electricity on the train went out, and the conductor got on the emergency PA and announced that we were having "technical difficulties." 20 minutes later, the girl in front of me (who was an '05 tfa person who still teaches in Philly) noticed a crowd of people had gathered on the side of the tracks, with fire engines and police. The engine of our train was on fire. 10 minutes later the "rescue train" showed up and we evacuated on to that (yes I spent a half hour on a train with a burning engine). The "rescue train" was just an empty NJ transit train, and it took us another hour to get everyone off the original train and on to the "rescue train." Finally we get to New York Penn Station at 8:30 p.m. I was supposed to be in Hartford, CT by 9:30. The NJ transit train dropped all of us off at Penn Station and we were basically told to fend for ourselves. So naturally the mob of angry travelers descended upon the customer service booth, and Amtrak put us on the 9:07 train to Springfield. We boarded that train and all was smooth sailing until we got to New Haven at 11:00 p.m. The electricity turned off, the train stopped (engine off) and we didn't move for 10 minutes. I called graham and loudly exclaimed "Now I'm stuck in fucking New Haven..." the expletives continued until graham hung up and we started moving 5 minutes after that. I got to graham at 11:57 p.m.
"There's nothing like looking at your own history in the faces of your friends."- Ani Difranco "Good, bad, ugly"
I assumed that once I got back to Graham's apt, we would make small talk and then opt for sleep since we both worked all day. I was wrong. It had been two years since we'd seen each other, so we started talking. And talking. And talking. And finally at 4 a.m. we gave up and decided we should sleep. For the record, graham has a beautiful apartment. True it is in a rather yuppie dorm-esque apartment building, but it really is a beautiful place.
The next morning Graham made omelets and we sat around watching episodes of TV shows that I am going to have to start watching (Curb Your Enthusiasm and Entourage) and a great "horror movie" called Behind the Mask which was thoroughly enjoyable. It was a lazy day filled with the same types of conversations Graham and I had been having for years. We talked about movies, music and books. We reminisced about old times, he showed me clips of things on the web that he discovered and needed to share. Occasionally, he picked up his guitar and we sang like we used to. It was two years of hang out time that we felt we needed to catch up on in one day. Around 4, we decided to get ready to go out to dinner with graham's gf, my ex-bf (not too random he's good friends with graham), and this gentlemen's new gf.
"Here we are again and we're looking at each other as if each other were to blame. You think your smart, but I've seen you naked... if all else fails you can blame it on me."- BNL
One of the benefits of my dating career is that I tend to have relationships with men that plan on leaving the city of Philadelphia within a certain time period, or that live elsewhere and commute to see me (such as this case). I would say that this has just been a freaky coincidence, but since my MO is to seek men that are emotionally unavailable for whatever reason, I think my subconscious finds these men more attractive. Fascinating as this thought might be, however, it is not the point. The point is with almost all of my old relationships living in different states, I rarely have to deal with meeting an ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend. When Graham asked if I would object to seeing this particular ex and his new girlfriend, I agreed because it had been two years and there were really no hard feelings between us. I assumed it would be slightly awkward, but again it had been two years, HE had dumped ME, and I was okay with it so why wouldn't the other girl be okay with it. Clearly, I forgot to take into consideration the female psychie. I will not go into detail with how painful this four hour dinner was, but I will say I have never in my life sat across from another woman that wanted to see me dead more. (And I have pissed off alot of women in my life.)
"Seems like so long ago when we were carefree..."- Jamie Cullum
The rest of Saturday night into Sunday was more of the same graham and I telling stories and goofing off. Graham's gf joined in the fun, commenting on our stories and sharing her own. I like her. She's good for him. Graham and her got me addicted to The Office, and I'll now be spending time on various illegal websites attempting to watch the seasons I've missed. I finally saw Borat and this weird Canadian feminist horror movie Ginger Snaps (highly recommend it).
I don't really know what else to say about my visit. Graham and I had this conversation once in college about the people in our lives that make us crazy. They frustrate us, they make us mad, they disappoint and leave us, but they are still people that we love no matter what. He thought that this one girl was his in college. I think though that we are starting to learn that we are that person for each other. Graham makes me crazy. He frustrates me. He has disappointed me. He has left me. He has broken my heart. He is still one of my favorite people. He is still someone that I do love having in my life.
(Thus ends the longest entry EVER)
"I want to travel like Duke Ellington in my own railway car..."- Ani Difranco. "Self-Evident"
I would like to start with a big "fuck you very much" to Amtrak. My train which was traveling the northeast corridor from DC to Boston (Springfield to be technical) arrived to Philly on time. I found a seat and began my journey. A half hour into the journey, the train slowed to a crawl and stopped with a shudder and ka-thunk. The electricity on the train went out, and the conductor got on the emergency PA and announced that we were having "technical difficulties." 20 minutes later, the girl in front of me (who was an '05 tfa person who still teaches in Philly) noticed a crowd of people had gathered on the side of the tracks, with fire engines and police. The engine of our train was on fire. 10 minutes later the "rescue train" showed up and we evacuated on to that (yes I spent a half hour on a train with a burning engine). The "rescue train" was just an empty NJ transit train, and it took us another hour to get everyone off the original train and on to the "rescue train." Finally we get to New York Penn Station at 8:30 p.m. I was supposed to be in Hartford, CT by 9:30. The NJ transit train dropped all of us off at Penn Station and we were basically told to fend for ourselves. So naturally the mob of angry travelers descended upon the customer service booth, and Amtrak put us on the 9:07 train to Springfield. We boarded that train and all was smooth sailing until we got to New Haven at 11:00 p.m. The electricity turned off, the train stopped (engine off) and we didn't move for 10 minutes. I called graham and loudly exclaimed "Now I'm stuck in fucking New Haven..." the expletives continued until graham hung up and we started moving 5 minutes after that. I got to graham at 11:57 p.m.
"There's nothing like looking at your own history in the faces of your friends."- Ani Difranco "Good, bad, ugly"
I assumed that once I got back to Graham's apt, we would make small talk and then opt for sleep since we both worked all day. I was wrong. It had been two years since we'd seen each other, so we started talking. And talking. And talking. And finally at 4 a.m. we gave up and decided we should sleep. For the record, graham has a beautiful apartment. True it is in a rather yuppie dorm-esque apartment building, but it really is a beautiful place.
The next morning Graham made omelets and we sat around watching episodes of TV shows that I am going to have to start watching (Curb Your Enthusiasm and Entourage) and a great "horror movie" called Behind the Mask which was thoroughly enjoyable. It was a lazy day filled with the same types of conversations Graham and I had been having for years. We talked about movies, music and books. We reminisced about old times, he showed me clips of things on the web that he discovered and needed to share. Occasionally, he picked up his guitar and we sang like we used to. It was two years of hang out time that we felt we needed to catch up on in one day. Around 4, we decided to get ready to go out to dinner with graham's gf, my ex-bf (not too random he's good friends with graham), and this gentlemen's new gf.
"Here we are again and we're looking at each other as if each other were to blame. You think your smart, but I've seen you naked... if all else fails you can blame it on me."- BNL
One of the benefits of my dating career is that I tend to have relationships with men that plan on leaving the city of Philadelphia within a certain time period, or that live elsewhere and commute to see me (such as this case). I would say that this has just been a freaky coincidence, but since my MO is to seek men that are emotionally unavailable for whatever reason, I think my subconscious finds these men more attractive. Fascinating as this thought might be, however, it is not the point. The point is with almost all of my old relationships living in different states, I rarely have to deal with meeting an ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend. When Graham asked if I would object to seeing this particular ex and his new girlfriend, I agreed because it had been two years and there were really no hard feelings between us. I assumed it would be slightly awkward, but again it had been two years, HE had dumped ME, and I was okay with it so why wouldn't the other girl be okay with it. Clearly, I forgot to take into consideration the female psychie. I will not go into detail with how painful this four hour dinner was, but I will say I have never in my life sat across from another woman that wanted to see me dead more. (And I have pissed off alot of women in my life.)
"Seems like so long ago when we were carefree..."- Jamie Cullum
The rest of Saturday night into Sunday was more of the same graham and I telling stories and goofing off. Graham's gf joined in the fun, commenting on our stories and sharing her own. I like her. She's good for him. Graham and her got me addicted to The Office, and I'll now be spending time on various illegal websites attempting to watch the seasons I've missed. I finally saw Borat and this weird Canadian feminist horror movie Ginger Snaps (highly recommend it).
I don't really know what else to say about my visit. Graham and I had this conversation once in college about the people in our lives that make us crazy. They frustrate us, they make us mad, they disappoint and leave us, but they are still people that we love no matter what. He thought that this one girl was his in college. I think though that we are starting to learn that we are that person for each other. Graham makes me crazy. He frustrates me. He has disappointed me. He has left me. He has broken my heart. He is still one of my favorite people. He is still someone that I do love having in my life.
(Thus ends the longest entry EVER)
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