Saturday, September 29, 2007

Holding the Universe Together

In a given week I get about thirty to forty emails from my three closest friends. We hit reply all, and spend any free moment we get sending small details from our day across the internet to all parts of philadelphia, the burbs, and cleveland. We rant about our jobs, tell stories, and offer advice about current problems. It's the only way we can manage our crazy schedules to maintain the strong bond we created a long time ago.

The concept of Liquid Nails was a joke born out of Amanda's drunken declaration that after our college graduation we would never see each other again, and Angie's calming logic that our friendship was the strongest force on earth, kind of like Liquid Nails. (We, also, cause neurological damage in california apparently.) Graduation happened, our lives really began and in our fits of life and email the three of us developed another strong bond with the one that really keeps us together (because emailing is what she does best).

Now we are four. We each have a different thing that connects us to each other. For Jess and I, it is our ability to talk for hours. For Angie and I, it's our desire for something greater in our lives, and our slight bitterness (let's be honest). For Amanda and I, it's so many things and so much history (after all, she and I were friends first).

I bring them up now, almost four years after our first drunken declaration of friendship, because of their uncanny ways of knowing what i need in my life. From the emails that keep me sane between classes, the phone message that tells me that i didn't, in fact, embarrass myself while I was out at the bar, or just the acceptance of me when I need that love and acceptance the most. Thinking about it now, they really do hold my universe together.

"I act like I have faith, and like that faith never ends, but I really just have friends."

Sunday, September 16, 2007

All we are we are.

I found a person on facebook who I hadn't talked to in almost seven years. Very common for facebook, we all find people here and there from our pasts, and "friend" them for no apparent reason. It's essentially a great big high school reunion, only less alcohol and less pressure to actually speak to people. It opens up a strange floodgate of emotion for me to re-meet people that I once knew so well. This person and I went to middle school together, and spent three or so years together in BBYO. We used to exchange writing, and occasional witty conversation. He was smarter than me (still is), but yet was rarely if ever the type of person to make me feel dumb. After reconnecting on facebook, he encouraged me to call him. So tonight, I did. Terrified, I dialed the number. I don't like the phone. I'm a writer by nature. I sound better on paper than I can ever express in words, and tonight the 20 minute conversation we had proved this point. It was, without a doubt, the most awkward conversation I have ever had.

We talked unelaborately about many things; college majors, writing, teaching, and americorps. (Side note: I am starting to embrace the semi-colon after years of hating it.) We touched lightly on my disdain for Gaithersburg and his love of it. We forced casual small talk, and at the end of the call I was left feeling... awkward and uncertain and somewhat embarrassed. I'm not necessarily sure why. I always feel weird when I talk to people I grew up with. It always leads me into a moment of asking myself: Who am I? Really? Am I the same person I've always been? Have I changed drastically? How do I define myself now? So here I am, about to tell you all (who know and love me on some weird level, or else you wouldn't read this) how I describe myself these days.

I walk when I'm contemplative; I clean when I'm sad; I sing when I'm angry; I sleep when I'm stressed. I drink too much coffee. I've been known to drink too much alcohol. I laugh at inappropriate jokes. I love my friends. I am terrible at keeping in touch. I believe education can be the great equalizer. I work a lot. I play a lot too. I love the ocean. I love books. I hate the phone. I have a cat, but no roommate. I am terrible in relationships. I find wisdom in songs. I don't dance, I bop. I can be catty. I, occasionally, have pedestrian rage. I am a forced extrovert. I love Philadelphia. I have a special place in my heart for broadway musicals. I daydream a lot. I sometimes feel like I ran away from home when I was 20. I want to see the world. I don't know how to drive. I'm an idealist, but not an optimist. I might be the same person that I was at 15, but I try really hard not to be.

And that's me.