I found a person on facebook who I hadn't talked to in almost seven years. Very common for facebook, we all find people here and there from our pasts, and "friend" them for no apparent reason. It's essentially a great big high school reunion, only less alcohol and less pressure to actually speak to people. It opens up a strange floodgate of emotion for me to re-meet people that I once knew so well. This person and I went to middle school together, and spent three or so years together in BBYO. We used to exchange writing, and occasional witty conversation. He was smarter than me (still is), but yet was rarely if ever the type of person to make me feel dumb. After reconnecting on facebook, he encouraged me to call him. So tonight, I did. Terrified, I dialed the number. I don't like the phone. I'm a writer by nature. I sound better on paper than I can ever express in words, and tonight the 20 minute conversation we had proved this point. It was, without a doubt, the most awkward conversation I have ever had.
We talked unelaborately about many things; college majors, writing, teaching, and americorps. (Side note: I am starting to embrace the semi-colon after years of hating it.) We touched lightly on my disdain for Gaithersburg and his love of it. We forced casual small talk, and at the end of the call I was left feeling... awkward and uncertain and somewhat embarrassed. I'm not necessarily sure why. I always feel weird when I talk to people I grew up with. It always leads me into a moment of asking myself: Who am I? Really? Am I the same person I've always been? Have I changed drastically? How do I define myself now? So here I am, about to tell you all (who know and love me on some weird level, or else you wouldn't read this) how I describe myself these days.
I walk when I'm contemplative; I clean when I'm sad; I sing when I'm angry; I sleep when I'm stressed. I drink too much coffee. I've been known to drink too much alcohol. I laugh at inappropriate jokes. I love my friends. I am terrible at keeping in touch. I believe education can be the great equalizer. I work a lot. I play a lot too. I love the ocean. I love books. I hate the phone. I have a cat, but no roommate. I am terrible in relationships. I find wisdom in songs. I don't dance, I bop. I can be catty. I, occasionally, have pedestrian rage. I am a forced extrovert. I love Philadelphia. I have a special place in my heart for broadway musicals. I daydream a lot. I sometimes feel like I ran away from home when I was 20. I want to see the world. I don't know how to drive. I'm an idealist, but not an optimist. I might be the same person that I was at 15, but I try really hard not to be.
And that's me.
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1 comment:
First off, I'm glad you updated. I enjoy your writing (infrequent as it may be).
Secondly, I feel you on trying to escape (or cleverly hide) who you were at 15. I was going through my old school photos again today and unfortunately stumbled upon the ones from junior high. This resulted in me lecturing my mom for letting me go out of the house looking like I did, let alone on picture day! My hair was frizzy, I had absolutely no makeup on, and I was in desperate need of a pair of tweezers.
That said, I'm still the awkward kid I was back then - and maybe you are too - and that's okay. At least we don't LOOK like the awkward kids we were ;-) And you couldn't have been too awkward - it seems we got along quite well as little girl scouts on a camping trip in Hershey. Then again, maybe we were both just weird.
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