"It must be summer cause the days are long, and I dial your number but you're gone gone gone."

Jess chastised me for not writing in my blog, and it has been a while, so i might as well write.

"The way that summer fades underneath the weight of it all..."

This summer has been a great so far. Between adventures in Colorado, baseball games, beach trips (not nearly enough though), bar outings, walks through the city, weddings, concerts, and birthdays I don't know where the time has gone. It's been a great few weeks, and with a little under a month left I can only imagine that I will be busy living up my last few weeks of freedom.

It's funny how quickly i fall into a routine for my mornings over the summer. I get up between 9 and 10, I make my coffee, turn on a rerun of a 90s television show, sign on to gmail chat and talk to my mother, graham, and jess. I've done that almost every morning since school has ended. It's very relaxing. It also prevents me from doing anything productive until at least noon.

"Cause I love the way you say 'good morning', and you take me the way I am."

Before I continue with this section: Check out Ingrid Michaelson's CD Boy and Girl, it's fantastic!

So it's been eight months, almost nine, and while I am still ducking with the fear of an impending shoe falling on my head... it's good. It's really good. So of course I'm terrified of it and expect it won't last very long. But he seems to care about me, and he seems to take me for all the bucket of crazy i try so hard to conceal but never get it all.

"I'm a big girl now, see my big girl shoes..."

Okay the picks of the summer so far:

TV shows: How I met your Mother (I know I came three seasons late to this party, but it's damn good), and My Boys

Books: The Story of Edgar Sawtelle, Severance Package

Album: Ingrid Michaelson's Boys and Girls

Happiness

"He was always a stupidly optimistic man. I mean, I'm sure it came as a great shock to him when he died."-- Clue

I spend a great deal of my energy avoiding being an optimist. I don't share details of my life with many people, because i feel it brings about a sense of optimism that I might have. If I share my happy, it might make me believe that only the best can now occur. If I believe that, and something bad happens... I don't know.

Still, after a weekend like I had, with so many joys and so many great things... I cant help but wish I could allow myself to revel in my happiness, and giggle and gossip about all of the things that I am thinking.

It was a good weekend... nay great weekend... and I will quietly smile and pretend that I am not being optimistic.

::Insert sappy title here::

As a writer, one always looks for symbolism. We see it in movies and the trashy books we read, and of course, if we are lucky or delusional, we can see it our own lives.

My cat symbolized stability in my transient life. While I had her, i lived in four different apartments, had five different roommates, dated (seriously) three different men, went from working 70 hour weeks to having summers and weekends off. My life was in constant flux after I graduated from college, and yet Dilly was always there. She would always curl up in my lap or the crook of my arms while I slept. She would meow a hello. She never judged my crazy rants or my tears over something that probably didn't warrent tears. She was always a faithful friend and traveled with me wherever I went.

Upon her death Monday night (really early tuesday morning), I felt as though my stability had fallen out from under me. I looked in my head to the English training I had received to try and figure out what it means when a symbol ceases to exist.

Sadly my pondering needs to end while I run to the train.

"You can't scare me, I teach."

I am tired. I am tired. I am tired. I am tired.

We're five weeks out until the end of the year, and if another teenager whines at me I may throw myself off the roof of my school building.

There are those in the world who think teachers have it easy. We are able to take three months off at the end of the year. We get a week off for winter and spring break. Our day *technically* ends at 3:45.

The reason for all of these perks? They won't let us beat children anymore. Just kidding. Seriously though, we deal with kids for six straight hours. Rarely is there ever a point in our day when we aren't dealing with our students. Students use our classroom at lunch to get make up work. We need to make sure that we do uniform corrections as we walk down the halls during prep. In the moments where we don't have students, we are working to ensure we have enough supplies, grades done, or lessons planned. While our day ends when the bell rings, it doesn't really. We have grading to do. We have more lessons to plan. We have students who need extra help or a chance to make up assignments. We take work home. We work several hours into the night in order to help ourselves through to the next day.

So screw those who think teachers have it easy... I am tired. I am tired. I am tired.

June 20th can't come soon enough.

Several thoughts with no where to go...

I have been mentally writing blogs for the past week as i ride the train to work. Unfortunately, life tends to get in the way of writing, so here are the cliff's notes version of my thoughts...

"Watch your mouth before I have to wash it out... with my cock!"
That quote courtesy of Graham Rowe. He was here last week. He cracks me up. I wish he lived closer.

"I'm rockin' the suburbs, around the block just one more time. Rockin' the suburbs, 'cause I can't tell which house is mine..."
Before you read this... I make sweeping generalizations based on my observations and my experiences. I am aware that not everyone thinks this way, so please don't take any of this personally.
I've been thinking recently about the suburbs. I hate the suburbs. I hate the bubble they create for people, and the plasticity of their mcmansions or fake small town shopping centers. Children who grow up in the burbs and never leave, run the risk of never truly seeing the world around them and never understanding it. The argument levied is that in the suburbs, you have backyards, good schools, and no crime. I disagree. In the mcmansions built, there are frequently no yards as the houses are huge and on top of each other. I'll give you good schools, but that's because the districts tend to be smaller and the property taxes insane. Not to mention the insanity of soccer moms who call the schools every day demanding their children earn A's whether or not they have earned them. As for crime, it happens everywhere. Sure people don't get beaten by children in the subways, but at my old high school, girls got sexually assaulted at keggers and cars were broken into, and prostitution rings ran out of pristine lakelands houses. The city is not perfect. The city is far from perfect. The schools suck, the streets are dirty, and crime happens, but i'm never isolated from it. Maybe that makes me strange. I like living inside the world, not watching it and judging from my bubble. I think i also get mad at the suburbs because of the judgement passed on city life from those that live there. From the outside it is easy to judge, to write off urban decay, and never attempt to do anything about it. From the inside, from working and living in the city, it's harder to do. Those things make me angry and motiviated to pay attention to what happens here, to want it to change. I don't think that I would ever be this motivated to work where I work, to vote how I vote, and desire the change i desire if I had remained in the bubble of G'burg MD.

Okay bedtime for me, but on my next rant I will talk about how fucking terrible standardized testing is...

Quick media comment

This morning, as always, I got up, made coffee, and turned on the news. As the newscaster listed the top stories of the morning he said, "An attack on SEPTA has left one man dead" and their B roll showed a number of police officers at a familiar center city EL stop apparently looking for clues.

Curious, since I frequent this EL stop I sat to watch the story. They kept referring to it as a "deadly attack". The banner underneath all of the people interviewed said "Deadly SEPTA attack." The reporter kept referring to "the deadly attack occurred"

And then... the SEPTA police officer went on the camera and explained that four teenage boys began harrassing a starbucks employee on his way home at 3 p.m. They "slapped" him in the face four times, and the man died of a heart attack.

Did these boys committ assault? Yes.
Did they steal his Ipod? Yes.
Did they kill him? Well... that's a gray area. But it's center city. The boys were black, the man white... so yes according to the police.

I'm also bothered by the fact that no one on the platform bothered to help the guy.

Ah the news...

I'm late for work.

What is so funny about peace, love and understanding?

Today my spring break came to a crashing halt. I had a good spring break. I spent it in colorado with my mother. A whole week in the beautiful mountains. Though I must say, it's weird being in my mom's new apartment with all of our family pictures neatly nailed to the walls. It's weird to see my history hanging hundreds of miles from where it all occured.

Now i'm home and i'm back to work tomorrow. I spent the past 11 hours grading. I only took breaks to briefly chat with jess and mom, and then to shower.

Now it's bed time, but i'm not sure i'm sleepy.

I don't feel right, I don't sleep tight, i don't love you like I should...

Warning: Mom, you're not allowed to ask me about this entry.

The scariest thing in the world to me is the prospect of turning into my father. He and I share several similar characteristics, and i'm not sure i'm okay with that. I look at his life. He's a relatively happy man, but he doesn't have a lot of close friends. He spends his time with casual aquaintences, but has allowed certain people he's known for years to slip away as time goes on. (There's more that I fear, but it is not applicable to the point i am making). I look back at who I am. At those I have let slip away, and notice that I am incredibly capable of closing off and losing those I care about.

I'm prickly when I work hard. Sensitive. Quick to react. Quick to anger. I hold in weeks of frustration and release it to unsuspecting people that are just trying to befriend me. I'm not an easy person to love on all levels. Yet those that are willing to care about me, I hurt.

Interesting revelations for first thing in the morning... now I must go put on a smile and teach the youth of America.

I'm not going to write you a love song...

I love that my teasing entry about students stock piling weapons sparked some creative debate amongst my dearest friends.

I tend to agree with tom that the media harps upon the violence of city schools a great deal. I worked at University City High School while they were having all of their problems (including the day that the guy was stabbed on the front steps, that was a good day) and saw how the media acted like... well the media. They ignored the press release we sent about our Anti-Violence day, which cancelled classes for the day to focus on anti-violence programming, but showed up two days later to interview students about two fights that broke out in the lunchroom. (Sidenote: I think that cemented my desire to never go into journalism as a career.) Still I think that the issues (which thank g-d are not "day to day" in my school as amy mentioned) such as fighting and mayhem are one of the reasons why you see city school children set trash cans on fire, but not go on shooting rampages in the building. City children get out their aggression towards the one or two people that piss them off, but the children that make lists and freak out are the ones that bottle it all up. I'm only half saying that with a smirk and a laugh. There might be some truth in that. Middle class suburban repression may in fact manifest itself in strange ways.

Still, I will take my war torn nutty hooligans. They make me laugh as much as they make me want to throw them or myself off a building.

This is going to be a long entry that has nothing to do with the title by the way, I just really like that song.

When I was in high school and for a couple semesters in college, I kept a section of my school notebooks that was just called "notes to self" and in that section I jotted down the weird thoughts that came to me as I observed the world around me. Sometimes these observations came out eloquent enough to make their way into short stories that i wrote, but many just lived in the notebook marking certain days and times. Lately I have been walking and thinking and wishing that I kept my notebook still. I know that logically I could go to a store and buy a cheap notebook to carry while I am on the subway or walking from market to my apartment, but somehow the romance of it seems passe and I know that I wouldn't follow through writing down what i think. But when I sit on a train that is rocking and rolling out of the city I can't help but ponder the rusty abandoned factories, or the rushing overflowing creek that spilled next to the tracks and created a new arm along the SEPTA rails.

On an unrelated note: I love the new foo fighters album.

Since it's been so long since I've written a real entry, I feel as though I should espouse as much I can about as many thoughts as I can. Truth be told though, I really can't think of anything else that needs to be discussed. My life is good. Spring break is rapidly approaching. I am behind on grading, but created a board game about my lit circle books so i feel okay about myself.

A quick comment on education

Jess once said that she sometimes wonders if I teach in war torn Kosovo as opposed to just a low income area in Philadelphia. As I watch the news more and more, I suddenly realize how wrong of a comparison she made.

When my students have beef with each other, yes they fight. Sometimes they fight unfairly, but the beef is typically mutual. They fight over boys, over rumors, over stuff that happened on the block where they live. At my school they rarely bring in heavy artillary, they're more creative. They wear lots of rings instead of brass knuckles.

http://www.philly.com/philly/wires/ap/news/nation_world/16318936.html Never do they stock pile weapons in their homes, make lists, and prepare to come to school to kill several people at once.
http://www.philly.com/dailynews/national/12653486.html
My kids may not listen, they may occasionally make me want to throw myself off the roof of my building, but they are not mass murders. :)

So I feel as though I am not crazy for staying the hell away from the suburban school system. Those middle class suburban kids are freaking scary.

For my adoring public.

Actually I'm going to do the movie game... because my life is complicated and I'm procrastinating while i eat dinner.

A few things to mention before i begin:
1. Crockpots rule.
2. I am in the midst of literature circle hell.
3. I enjoy my potentially healthy romantical situation.
4. My curriculum coordinator thinks i have the vocabulary of an 19th century british woman.

And on that note--
15 movie quotes
comment answer
no cheating.

1. Oh now, Debra, don't be bitter, surely with your ever growing collection of flesh mutilating silver appendages and your brand new neo-nazi boot camp makeover the boys will come a-runnin'.

2. And monkey brains, although popular in Cantonese cuisine, is not often to be found in Washington D.C Megan-- Clue

3. You can lose all your points for any one of three things. One: If you cry. Two: If you ask to see your mother. Three: If you're hungry and ask for a snack! Forget it!

4. Don't tease me about my hobbies. I don't tease you about being an asshole. Amy- Garden State

5. A. Don't fuck with the Lords of Hell.
B. Don't fuck with the babysitter. -- Mommy-- Adventures in Babysitting

6. A. You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.
B. You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die. Amy- Princess Bride

7. Don't I know you? I stole the baby from you, Daikini! While you were taking a peepee! Amy- Willow

8. Excuse me, ladies. You may remember me as the guy who came to dinner a few weeks ago with underwear on my head. My name is Keith Stat from Millburn, New Jersey. State bird, the mosquito. And as you may have heard I am recently a crowned class B dungeon-master. So if any of you would like to play D&D today, please speak now or forever hold your peace. Amy- Wet Hot American Summer

9. A: I'm a professional killer.
B: Do you have to do postgraduate work for that?

10. I don't know. Sometimes it seems like such a strange sort of thing to want to do. You know, ridiculous. Like someone putting their finger up your nose or something. Amy- Circle of Friends

11. He sells reproductions! His furniture's as fake as my orgasms!

12. A: 37! My girlfriend's sucked 37 dicks!
B: In a row? Amy- Clerks

13. Everything. OK! I'll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog... When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out... But the worst thing I ever done - I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa - and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life. Mommy-- Goonies

14. It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care. Amy- Office Space

15. I work harder than God. If He had hired me, He would have made the world by Thursday.

Hope I get more participation than the song thing!

The results

37% on the music challenge. Not so good.

Here's the key :)

Everything else-- Howie Day
For no one-- Azure Ray
Solace and Pain- Matt Nathanson
Mayday – Dispatch
Someone Cooler than You-- Ben Folds
Wild Horses – Rolling Stones
Who Did You Think I Was- John Mayer Trio
Circle Round the Sun- James Taylor
Balaclava- Arctic Monkeys
Waiting Line- Zero 7
Bottle up and explode- Elliott smith
Heart of mine- Peter Salett
Brace yourself- Howie Day
pretty fly for a white guy- offspring
my junk – spring's awakening
small figures in the vast expanse- rilo kiley
pantera fans in love- nerf herder
if I had a million dollars- bnl
That’s the way it is- JoDee Messina
birds flying away- mason jennings
solitude standing- suzanne vega
wig in a box- hedwig and the angry inch
sound of settling- deathcab for cutie
Goodbye until tomorrow/I could never rescue you- last 5 years
a certain romance- arctic monkeys
sooner or later-- michael tolcher
number 6 driver- efo
Paper bag- Fiona apple
American girl- tom petty
Our lips are sealed- go-gos
golden slumber- the beatles
basketcase- green day
crush- dmb
Forget December- something corporate
In the middle- Mat Kearney
Jockey full of bourbon- moxy fruv
Ridin’ in my car- NRBQ
Come pick me up- Ryan Adams
I’m waiting- all American rejects
Both hands- Ani Difranco

There are so many things I could be doing right now...

I could write you all an entry about my life. I could ramble about stress and relationships and sick cats and crazy teenagers. I could write the epic entry about teaching that I've been planning for a while now. But I won't. Instead I'm going to do that fun little music thing that Amy had on her blog.

Step 1: Put your music player on shuffle.
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 40 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing.
Step 3: Strike through the songs when someone guesses both artist and track correctly.
Step 4: For those who are guessing -- looking the lyrics up on a search engine is CHEATING!Step 5: If you like the game post your own

1. "Pictures blurred in her head/Won't let them win/She'll make you come/Right back and let her in..."

2. "We're the same/we're five years old/Still trying to change this mold/In the open air I'm cold/No purpose/no reasons told..."

3. "I'm so confused by what I am and what I want, but I can't stand alone without your help..."

4. "I saw you yesterday your eyes were the color of some kind of gray, I hear what you're sayin' don't let me go I've got all these people down below..."

5. "Smile like you've got nothing to prove, no matter what you might do there's always someone out there cooler than you." (If you all don't get this one, I will disown you.) Thank you amy... Always someone cooler than you-- Ben Folds

6. "Childhood living is easy to do, the things you wanted I bought them for you..." amy Wild Horses- Rolling Stone

7. "Now I love my baby, and she's bound to love me some, yes I love my baby, and she's bound to love me some..."

8. "Got half a smile and zero shame, gotta reflection with a different name..."

9. "Running off over next door's garden before the hour is done, it's more a question of feeling than it is a question of fun"

10. "Wait in line, 'till your time, ticking clock, everyone stop" In The Waiting Line-- Zero 7

11. "Bottle up and explode over and over, keep the troublemaker below, put it away and check out for the day..." Jess- Bottle up and explode- elliott smith

12. "Do you want to know if everything glittering will turn into the gold I see in your hair..."

13. "So you think you can hold the world up by string, with all that you have, and I would hold every part of you that I could hold..." Jess- Brace yourself- Howie Day

14. "Give it to me baby, uh-huh uh-huh, give it to me baby, uh-huh uh-huh..." (Don't judge me for this song) Jess- Pretty Fly for a White Guy- The Offspring

15. "It the midst of this nothing, this midst of a life, still there this one thing just to see you go by..." Jess- My Junk- Spring's Awakening

16. "Let's try a new change, Let's try a new change, Let's try a new change then we'll go back to the old one like we've done so many times before."

17. "I bleached my hair just like Vince Neil, then you made me cut it like James Hetfield, we're gonna put an end to alternative rock..."

18. "If I had a million dollars, If I had a million dollars, well I would buy you a house..." Jess- If I had a million dollars- BNL

19. "Everybody wants an easy ride on the merry-go-round that we call life, take your drive on cruise control then you went to find it's a winding road..." Mary S.-- That's the way-- Jo Dee Messina

20. "I left my country when I was 19, 1925, and drifted to a town on the cuban coast met a woman who became my life..."

21. "Solitude stands by the window, she turns her head as I walk in the room, I can see by her eyes she's been waiting..."

22. "On nights like this, when the world's a bit amiss, and the lights go down across the trailer park..." Angie- Wig in a Box-- Hedwig and the Angry Inch

23. "I've got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots, that my tongue is tied off...

24. "Don't kiss me goodbye again, leave this night clean and quiet, you want the last word you want me to laugh but leave it for now." Jess- Goodbye until tomorrow/I could never rescue you- last 5 years

25. "Well oh they might wear classic Reeboks, or knackered Converse, or tracky bottoms tucked in socks..."

26. "Pull the hair back from your eyes let the people see your pretty face, try not to say anything weird."

27. "The good news out here on the highway is that the speed limit's just a suggestion, but the bad news alone on the highway is that I'm praying for two car congestion..."

28. "I was staring at the sky just looking for a star to pray on or wish on or something like that..."

29. "Well she was an American girl raised on promises, she couldnt help thinkin that there was a little more to life somewhere else..." Amy- American Girl-- Tom Petty

30. "Can you hear them? They talk about us, telling lies, well that's no surprise..."

31. "Once there was a way to get back homeward, once there was a way to get back home..." Jess- Golden Slumber-- the beatles.

32. "Do you have the time to listen to me whine about nothing and everything all at once?" Amy- Basketcase-- Green Day

33. "Crazy how it feels tonight. Crazy how you, make it all alright love..." amy - Crush-- DMB

34. "On Christmas morning, outside was pouring, all was hopeless in this home."

35. "I meant it all and every part and every word right from the start, I'll never let this love fall in the middle..."

36. "Edna Million in a drop dead suit, Dutch Pink on a downtown train, Two-dollar pistol but the gun won't shoot, I'm in the corner on the pouring rain..."

37. "Remember last summer when we had the chance to find each other start making romance, but it didn't come off 'cause you found another..."

38. "When they call your name will you walk right up with a smile on your face?"

39. "One question what can't be done? You tear me down with the same thing..."

40. "I am walking out in the rain and I am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again and I am getting no where with you..."

This took me an hour to do... so you all better participate!

You think that I don't understand but I do...

"I hold my cards up close to my chest, I say what I have to and then hold back the rest."

Take this quote for what it's worth about my ability to verbalize my feelings and thoughts on my current romantic situation.

"My girl America's dying while she's trying just to stop this fight"

There are few things more depressing than Kensington when it rains. Trash flows into the gutters causing back ups and puddles of dirty water. The dilapdated houses sag with damp roofs, and the EL casts darker shadows from the gray sky as it thunders above. The homeless addicts huddle against St. Francis Inn waiting for the Priests to open the gates. Even the brightness of the pink building which houses my school seems dull against the rain and clouds.

Today the somber mood filtered from the outside into the building. Three boys were killed this weekend in a deadly hit and run http://www.philly.com/philly/hp/news_update/13761252.html. One of them, a former student at MBA, all of them friends or family of students that I teach. The common misconception about where I teach is that violence is so prevalent in the community that students have been desensitized to tragedy. The thing is, they're not. Yes, shootings happen, they fight, they cause each other pain, but they are still kids. They still cry when death happens so close to them, and it's hard to see. There is nothing wise a teacher can say to students that are greiving a tragic loss. There are only trite expressions of sympathy, and futile attempts to express that you know how it feels to lose someone to drunk driving. There is only the quiet resignation of letting a student cry and patting a shoulder or offering a hug.

Kensington in the rain leaves me empty, cold, and exhausted.

Something about auld lang syne...

I was thinking about that whole 15 thing. I am not as creative as Jess or Amy, and I'm not as emo as some of those who have done this. Still it's a nice way to wrap up the year, so I'm kind of stealing a few silly new year's surveys and doing maybe 15, maybe 10, maybe 5 anonymous people (though there will be some telling details because how can you not).


Top Three Movies of 2007
1. Hot Fuzz
2. The Simpsons
3. Superbad


1. "Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over."-Octavia Butler. I decided that you're first. There's something so comforting about being able to talk to someone nonstop, or just sit in silence for a little bit and work or watch TV. I absolutely adore you, and hope you know that. Those moments of judgement I bestow upon you are purely because I worry about you. I want nothing but the best for you, so i try unsuccessfully to protect you from situations that would hurt you. For my judgemental ways, I sincerely apologize. You hold my universe together, by the way.


Top Three Albums of 2007 (that I have discovered, not necessarily that came out in 2007)
1. Some Mad Hope- Matt Nathanson
2. Eyes Open- Snow Patrol
3. Traffic and Weather- Fountains of Wayne


2. "i'm calling from the diner/the diner on the corner/i ordered two coffees/one is for you/i was hoping you'd join me/.../and i really miss you/i should mention that too"--Ani DiFranco. I miss you. I don't know when you decided to run away, but I wish you would come back. I remember you in little moments, and sometimes wish I didn't. I know you've changed. You aren't the same person that sat on my front porch smoking and planning the great baseball road trip. You aren't the same person that played quizzo with me every week. You aren't the same person that would sit at the diner with me and drink coffee until all hours of the evening. You aren't the same person that held me while I sobbed over whatever it was I sobbed over back then. You were one of my best friends, and while I loved you once, I really would just like my friend back.


Top Four Best "Events" of 2007
1. Poconos weekend-- "nerds gone wild"
2. Liquid Nails Does Atlantic City
3. Meeting Matt Nathanson at WXPN's world cafe live
4. Cleveland Rocks Weekends


3. "No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each other's worth." -Robert Southey. Why did you move so far away? Though we hear from you every now and again on epic email chains, I miss you. I'm glad that you've found this new life for yourself, but at the same time I don't get to sit around and have lunch with you while we discuss life. You were always someone who I could say anything to, and who would discuss even the most trival of subjects. Just so you know, you hold my universe together, even when you're far away.


4. "I gotta thing for assholes who tell good stories."-- Ani DiFranco. Hey you. Yeah you. A logical person would hate you. You're an attention whore. You can be incredibly condescending. You give me countless backhanded compliments. You've broken my heart over and over again. You moved out and made me lose probably the best apartment I've ever had. Yet I miss that you're no longer in Philly. I miss being able to spend hours listening to music and singing along while you play the guitar. I spend the train ticket money to visit you. I value your opinion and conversation. What I can say? You're just a person that I am forever tied to. I just gotta deal with the rest of you :)

Most Embarrassing Moment of 2007
Tripping over my "old lady cart" full of groceries and falling on my face outside of the police station. I cut up my chin and my hand, got asked if I was drunk, and later that week got asked if i was in an abusive relationship. Go Team.

5. "There is no point in driving yourself mad trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and save your sanity for later."-Douglas Adams. I love that you bring out the crazy goofy side of me. We compliment each other's crazy, and that makes me happy. Thank you for embracing and encouraging the goofiness. I know it took a few years to really be able to reconnect after I graduated, but I'm glad we finally have been able to hang out the past few months. You are one of my favorite people.

6. "Get your sexy on..." I'm sorry that living together kind of ruined our friendship. We used to have so much fun dancing around to shitty pop music, watching bad tv, and playing cards. I'll never really understand what happened to our friendship, but I can't listen to this song without thinking of you.

"I'm a big girl now" moment of 2007
Moving into my own apartment in South Philly. No roommates, just a cat.

7. "It is wiser not to expect, but to hope, for in expecting, you ask for disappointment, whereas in hoping, you invite surprise.”- source unknown. You make me smile... I like that. I hope you stick around.

8. "I've got magazine friends, and enough jealousy to lose them all."- Matt Nathanson. I never told you, but you were one of the reasons I changed career paths. One day it occured to me that at my best, I could never compete with you. You weren't the only reason, but at the time you were the big reason. I hated you for being better than me. My envy and my pride are the reasons we didn't get along that year. I'm sorry. I'm glad you are a bigger person than me and you forgave me for being a petulant little bitch. I'm glad that we have grown as friends. I'm glad that despite everything we've been through in our friendship that we can laugh at ourselves, and share breakfast, ideas, and good conversation. To quote you during an epic fight: "I would kill for you."

9. "Anyone who isn’t confused really doesn’t understand the situation."-Edward R. Murrow. I don't hate you. I don't particularly like you either. To me, you are a slew of emotions that stretches back longer than I care to admit. You are the person I spend time with to keep the peace, to keep the equilibrium, to not go against the status quo. As I get older, I'm no longer sure that's a good enough reason to keep hanging around you, yet I'm not mature enough to try and cut you out. So we are at an impass, like we've always been.

10. "Friendship is born at the moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought no one but myself'." -C.S. Lewis. I will never know how exactly we became friends, but I think that this quote is probably pretty accurate. From the moment I've known you, you've been my favorite sounding board for pretty much everything. My friend in cynacism, and the desire for greatness. You and I are the two that can spend hours bitching about the things we can't change in our lives, and hours changing the things we can. We bond over our lack of ability to get anywhere outside of the Philadelphia city limits, and the stories that occur when we try to. We are the ones that want to rule the world, and when that fails, we'll settle for ruling our little corners of it. We are the budding alcoholics, and yet our own version of the 12 step program. You hold my universe together, don't forget that.

I could go on and write ones for everyone I've ever loved, lost, or felt anything towards. There are many that are probably mad i didn't go on for the whole fifteen, but let's face it the lesson plans aren't going to write themselves. I leave you this quote, because i feel it's always summed up my friends.

“Here's to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes, the ones who see things differently. They are not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things, they push the human race forward, and while someone may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do”- source unknown.

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night" says the Jew.

Oh Christmas. The weirdest time of year for me because there's just so much family and so much suburbs. I am currently sitting in my father's living room drinking copious amounts of coffee, breathing in the second hand smoke from my father and step-mother's ciggarettes, and watching the soccer mom's section of the Today show.

Since my mother moved to Colorado, coming home to my dad's house is just... awkward. There's no place for me here. Each of the other kids has their own room in the house, but I'm the one that didn't grow up here. I am the odd one who came to MD and stayed at my mom's house which (while I hate everything about the Kentlands and Lakelands) was home. So here... I constantly feel like I'm imposing in some way. This isn't my home. This is my dad's house. Oh well. There's cable and internet, what else do I really need? Seriously.

In other news, I AM SO HAPPY THAT IT'S WINTER BREAK. I feel like I haven't been able to catch up this year. I am completely planned, but have no real clue how to stay on top of everything I've planned. It's very frustrating. It's like running on a tredmill. I keep going and going and going but really i'm in the same damn spot I was yesterday only now I'm exhausted. (Side note: I changed stations, and now I'm watching Love Actually. I love Alan Rickman.) Basically I really need these ten days off.

Sunnier topics... I've been running around the past month with fun social events as well. Post-Thanksgiving Potluck was a lot of fun. Though we played Apples to Apples with lots of people, which did not work out so well. Mad River Happy Hour was a lot of crazy dancing, cheap liquor, and general debauchery. Jess' play was fantastic. Delivering Operation Santa presents was heartwarming, and not the least bit scary :) (gotta love nicetown).

I'm a bit doofy over a new boy, but you know i get like that sometimes. It's good and grown up and I'm playing it cool, calm, collected... or so I'd like to think. (And that's all of the gossip you'll be allowed to get from me on that.)

My laptop is about to die, and so I am going to go.

More another time my loves.

"And that creaking you hear... is my brain's overload."

I have lots of little things that I want to say, and none would be able to make it's way to a full entry... so I made a list.

1. If I time my morning commute right, I can watch the sunrise over the delaware river when the EL goes up to Spring Garden. The row homes are silouhetted in black against the bright oranges and purples of the morning sky. It's enough to make North Philadelphia and even New Jersey look beautiful.

2. A BNL song popped into my head for the first time in ages on Friday night. "Oh alcohol, would you please forgive me? While I cannot love myself, I use something else."

3. The amount of grading i have to do might make my head explode.

4. Three cops were shot in Philadelphia last week in three different situations. One passed away, the other two are recovering. It's a tragedy, and slightly unnerving that criminals are now fine with shooting law enforcement. It makes me mad though that it took these three shootings for people to begin getting worried about the crime in the city. Since January 1st, 2007 to October 18th, 2007 there were 318 murders. And in the past week, they have just now figured out that Philly has a problem? Oh the town I love so much...

5. I wish I remembered all the things I wanted to say when I started writing...

"Takes two beers to remember why, and five more to forget..."

A warning to those that read this: This entry is whiny. This entry is melodramatic. To all those who are going to read it, I am aware that i am being whiny and melodramatic. No, mom, i don't want to talk about it.

Moving on.

Halloween reminds me of him. It reminds me of the party where we got drunk and I made him pinky swear that when he was 26 and I was 30 that we would date "for real" as I called it. He laughed and kissed my cheek. I was dating someone else, and i knew deep down that it was going to end. It was the night we stayed up all night telling secrets. It was a night that we just knew. The next day we debriefed. I told him that I wanted to stay with the boy i was currently dating, and reminded him of our pinky swear. A week later, I had been dumped, he'd been mugged, septa was on strike and he held me tight on the futon in the living room of kellie's apartment. Between October 30th and November 6th, I just remember him.

I remember that he's gone and won't come back. This year I remember just how alone i really am. I remember that at 25, I have never held a relationship longer than 7 months. I remember the men who i've driven away for whatever reason, and all the faults and cynacism that I have towards relationships. I sit here alone in my halloween costume, thinking of him, thinking of "all the loves that could have been, if i'd only thought of something charming to say."

I feel like I've "gone long enough, waiting for wonderful."

"So in the end it's not just you with your memories and your scars..."

Jess stole my journal entry idea. I blame the fact that she can stay up after a concert to update her blog, whereas I turned into a pumpkin on the ride home. Actually, I just think she and I think very similarly and we both love the nathanson so much.


Quick concert review: fan-freaking-tastic. He played the best of the new album, "then I'll be smiling," "loud," "church clothes," his standards from beneath these fireworks, "answering machine," "don't stop believin'," "laid," "lucky boy," and then CAME BACK after his finale to do one more song "little victories." I love him.


Still, much like jess, I was thinking about music and it's affect on me. I have songs for everyone. I have a soundtrack to my life at all times. There are songs that I equate with myself, and lyrics that i think sum me up. Like everyone, I have lyrics that I wish I associated with myself.


When this entry was first concieved, I was going to go through a bunch of songs that had to do with my life (very much in the way Graham and I spent time talking about our autobiographical songs), but now I think I'm just going to pass on that idea.

I was laying in bed this morning thinking about autumn. I'm not going to elaborate. I'm just going to post the lyrics to the two songs that popped into my mind.


"5 am, undressed
In your static, in your mess
I don't need any new voices
I'm thick enough with superstitions and choices...

Sing me sweet
sing me low
say you'll never let me go
'cause I've gone long enough
waiting for wonderful...

Just to stay like this
In the give of your lips
In the dim half-light dawn
Pinned below your undertow
When everything meant everything again
------"Sing Me Sweet"

"Since you went away the days grow long
And soon I'll hear old winter's song
But I miss you most of all my darling
When autumn leaves start to fall..."
------ "Autumn Leaves"